Film Review: Eden Lake

Do you read the Daily Mail?

You do?

Well then welcome; Racists, Conspiracy-Theorists, Princess-Diana-Enthusiasts and Curtain-Twitchers!

Boy, have I got the perfect film for you! If you like worrying about the allegedly-increasing incidence of violent criminal activity and blaming knife-crime on the working classes, then this is your ideal slice of entertaiment pie.

'Eden Lake' tells the heartbreaking true story of a mentally-disabled ginger child ('Jenny'), affected by the debilitating 'Helium-Voiced-Syndrome'; a disorder which manifests itself by permitting sufferers to communicate only via the medium of a high-pitched, whispered, dolphin-like series of squeaks in the place where a normal human voice should be.

Hello Viewers, do you like how pastel I am? I am proud to tell you that my composition is 99.9% pastel, 0.1% humanity, and 0% bodily fluids. Hurrah for me, ya!

Caring for Jenny's particular brand of special needs, we have Michael Fassbender, playing a bourgeois dictatorial zealot. I can't remember Fassbenders character's name, and I frankly don't give enough of a fuck to Google it, but it was probably somehing irritatingly perky, like 'Tom', or 'Ed', or 'Jono'. Lets use 'Jono', shall we? Yeah, fuck you, Jono!
No, I don't want a fucking panini, you Dickwad.

Fuck you Panini! You don't know anything about my life!

Eden Lake follows Jenny and Jono as they both try ineffectually to survive a series of hate-crimes perpetrated by the Anti-Ginger-Republican-Organisation ('AGRO'). Yeah, 'AGRO'. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 'AGRO'! Brilliant.

AGRO: 'Oi, Ginger!' JONO: 'Just ignore them, Jenny, they'll go away if you ignore them'.

JENNY: 'Are you sure my Dear? Only one of them has a Staffordshire Bull Terrier on his person..' 

JONO: 'Tell me the truth, Jenny, do I look like a total cunt in this outfit?'JENNY: 'Ya Darling I mean its not even pastel where on EARTH did you get it from,
Halfords or somewhere dirty like that?'

Jenny and Jono go away together for a delicious Smug Weekend, intending no doubt to fill their free time with lots of middle-class superiority and Cath-Kidston-designed sex. Unfortunately, a bunch of nasty, synthetic-clothinged midgety cunts decide to fuck their plans up. And that, my lovely Friend, is where the Eden Lake fun really begins.

AGRO MEMBER #1: 'Hello Friend I am a World-renowned Plastic Surgeon please allow me to correct your impediments to aesthetic perfection with this Tetanus-rich, coagulated-blood-covered, blunt, rusty knife'. AGRO MEMBER #2: 'Thanks Doc, I'd like a designer vagina too please while you're down there'.

The Ginger Child and her Irish friend the Dictatorial Zealot are busy showing off their toned flesh and pastel-coloured lives when AGRO (a violent subfaction of the Ethnic Cleansing For Gingers United extermist organisation, known as 'FEC GU'. What? You come up with something better then!), turn the sounds up on what looks unmistakeably like a 1980's-style boombox, and all hell breaks loose. Yes. A 'boombox'. No, I hadn't realised that this was a period-drama either; I'm reasonably certain that Julian Fellowes himself must have penned this little torture-porn-flavoured treat.

Jenny regrets comissioning an open-plan cesspit as a 'water feature' in her dining room. Fuck you Homebase! Fuck you for making me believe that I needed a cesspit water feature slap-bang in the middle of my cunting dining room!

Jono does not appear to notice that he is wandering into dangerous Anti-Ginger territory by lodging a complaint about the boombox, and he inadvertently kicks-off some sort of entertainingly pointless turf-war. Pointless, because 'Eden Lake' is sponsored by the Daily Mail, and therefore these are unpredictable crimes of mindless, senseless violence, rather than senseless violence perperated by a group of underpriviledged, poorly-educated, broken-family-originating yoofs like the Guardian would have you believe.

Jenny searches for a reason behind her pointless existence in Jono's gaping mouth cavity.
Go on Jenny! You can find it!

The AGRO, who have cleverly disguised themselves as a bunch of council-estate, tracksuit-skinned, pallid-complexioned Chav fodder for the purposes of this ethnic cleansing exercise, relentlessly pursue our two pastel-personalitied wastelands around a large, moody wooden setting. During the pursuit, the League decide that an excellent form of peaceful anti-ginger protest would take the form of cutting Jono's tongue out. What a way to garner some publicity for their cause, eh? Their P.R. Department must be top-of-the-range.

Jenny's experimental colonic irrigation goes horribly wrong.

All I wanted was a clean anus Goddammnit!

Gone a bit O.T.T. on the old blusher there Jen-Jens

Things get a bit out of hand, what with the old 'tongue-cutting-out' incident and everything. Jenny gets a bit cross, because the AGRO have gone and defecated all over her lovely smug AGA-sponsored weekend. After a bit of crying and that (at a pitch beyong normal human hearing), she manages to reappropriate her Fiancee/Carer, and together, the two of them dcide that they should sit this attack-thingy out in a shed, and then, after that gets a bit tiresome, in a stagnant pond.

Terry and June sit down together for a nice traditional Sunday Lunch

Win this romantic Spa weekend for two by sending in your severed tongue along with an SAE to: AGRO, Chavstown, Dangerland, WARNING, Postcode: RUN 999.

Jenny goes a bit Cape Fear on us, and starts bumping off the AGRO members one-by-one. She even kills of Thomas Turgoose, national treasure and future King of England*.
*Probably.

THOMAS TURGOOSE: 'Why are you killing me again?' JENNY: 'Well it all started when I went for this colonic...'

THOMAS TURGOOSE: 'A what?'

JENNY: '...and I just ended up having, like, the WORST day of my life ever, ya, and then my pastel bikini was absolutely RUINED..'

THOMAS TURGOOSE: 'Um, I think you might've hit my ephemeral artery there Jenny..'

JENNY: '...I mean it was my FAVOURITE bikini and everything and I just felt, like, why me, you know?'

THOMAS TURGOOSE: 'Yep, I'm definitely bleeding to death now'.

JENNY: 'So, ya, sorry about that old boy'.

THOMAS TURGOOSE: 'That's ok. Sorry about cutting your boyfriend's tongue out and everything'

JENNY: 'Oh, that's ok he was a complete bell-end anyway!'

Jenny didn't want anyone to see her without her make-up on.

Killing Thomas Turgoose is a bad idea; you've got some serious bad karma coming your way Jenny!

AGRO audition for the 'Topgun' remake

AGRO get a bit pissy about Jenny having killed Thomas Turgoose, and they decide that now is the right time to step things up a notch. Up a notch from cutting her boyfriend's tongue out, that is. Call me naive. Call me a delicate little flower. But, seriously, WTF are they going to do that's even worse than that? Cheese grate her to death? Cut her fucking face off and feed it to the hungry caterpillar?

AGRO: 'I'm going to cut your cunting tongue out Jono!' JONO: 'Ugh, your breath could do with a fisherman's friend, old boy!

I've got a packet just next to my cock if you would like to reach in and get it?' 

Jono dies (Oh no! Not Jono!), and Jenny doesn't really fancy much hanging around to find out in what manner AGRO decide to eviscerate her ginger geneology, so she leaves the forest. Yeah, just walks out, y'know.

AGRO celebrate victory with their annual members-only barbecue

JONO: Say, maybe we should have just WALKED OUT OF THE FOREST, like, right at the start of the film, ya? JENNY: 'Oh ya! I ,like, so totally never even thought of that! HAHAHAHAHAH!

JONO: 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! We're so silly Jenny!'

JENNY: 'Ya! What are we like?! HAHAHAHHAHA!'

And then they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Our farts smell like Parma Violets

Hang on a stilton-minute. Actually, they didn't live happily ever after. Jenny (who has clearly never watched a horror film in her entire life) decides to go for help at the first house that she comes to. You know the house! The house which is BLATANTLY THE HOUSE BELONGING TO AGRO's PARENTS. Yes, that one.

The 'Eden Lake' branch of Pret-a-Manger

This doesn't look like South Kensington?

Jenny arrives at the House Of Certain Death, and then goes to the shitter, probably for a bit of 'me time'. Inside the aforementioned shitter, she then overhears the owners of the house discussing how she has just probably murdered all of their children and that. Is this going to end well for Jenny?

'Eden Lake': Probably not going to end well.

I'm pretty sure that she'll be absolutely fine, ya?

What have we learnt from 'Eden Lake'?

• Don't go to Brixton on holiday if you are middle-class.
• Don't kill Thomas Turgoose, because it will come back to bite you on the arse, and then some.
• Don't experiment with colonic irrigation.
• Don't cut someone's tongue out, unless that person is Jono.
• Pouting and having a gamine haircut will not prevent you from certain death, nor will wearing a wetsuit from Halfords and asking a mentally-disabled child to marry you.
• Don't ask a bunch of homicidal maniac chavs to 'turn their sounds down', because:

1. It makes you sound like you were born in 1936.
2. It makes people want to cut your tongue out.