Film Review: Shark Attack 3 'Megalodon'

Do you believe in 'facts'?

Everybody likes to enjoy a nice 'fact' every once in a little while, and sometimes an excellent way to stock up on 'facts', is to watch a cinematic masterpiece such as 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'. Or as I like to call it, 'Jaws on Crack'.

FISHERMEN: Would you like some more of that nice Crack, Megalodon?
MEGALODON: Yes please Fishermen I would love a bit more of that lovely Crack.

The historical 'facts', according to 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'.

'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon', a documentary, tells the true story of a lonely, HIV-positive shark and the prejudice which he encounters as a result of his disease.

Hello, my name is 'Megalodon', and I am HIV-positive.

Megalodon has a hard time trying to make friends, because this is the 80s, and his HIV-positive status still attracts stigma. Poor Megalodon. He tries to make some friends, but it doesn't really work out, what with him going about 'Mission Friendship' by brutally murdering potential playmates and everything.

Ho hum.

MEGALODON: Would you like to be my friend?
VELOCIRAPTOR: Fuck off, Megalodon!

Megalodon's campaign of friendship goes a bit too far when he decides to eat....a surfer. Because, as we all know, surfers are the very LAST type of delicious, ocean-dwelling treat that a shark would choose to snack on.


Well this is unusual.

I mean, when was the last time that you heard of a shark attacking a surfer? That's right. Never.

The YMCA decide to stage an intervention, because, y'know, it's wrong to eat people and stuff. I hope that you're listening, Armin Meiwes!

SCIENTIST 1: Shall we do some of that 'science' stuff?
SCIENTIST 2: What, instead of watching 'The X Factor' on this dashboard monitor you mean?
SCIENTIST 1: Yeah.
SCIENTIST 2: Well okay but I put on my X-Factor Final celebratory wetsuit especially for this evening, so I'll have to go change into my diving chinos and cashmere gimp mask.
SCIENTIST 1: Yeah, to be honest mate I was gonna say something earlier cos that wetsuit isn't really the appropriate regalia for a Marine Biologist.
SCIENTIST 2: Is that what I'm supposed to be? A Marine Biologist?
SCIENTIST 1: Fuck, I dunno. On the script it just read 'Science Fella'.
SCIENTIST: On mine it just said 'Dead Soon'.
  

The YMCA get involved, so that they can put a stop to sharkbait season.

On our way to an orgy. I mean 'to save some folks from certain death'. Yeah.

MARK: Do you notice anything unusual about that shark Helen?
HELEN: Not really, Mark. What exactly do you mean by 'unusual'?

 The YMCA's 'Save our Surfers' Campaign doesn't really work out like how they had anticipated, and instead of saving a whole load of surfers, what actually happens is that a whole load of surfers are murdered by the giant shark.The best laid plans go to waste, eh YMCA? Perhaps if you stopped trying to fuck each other long enough to save somebody?

JOHN BARROWMAN: What's the point of this scene again?
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: I dunno. To show that we had the budget to rent a submarine I guess?
JOHN BARROWMAN: What the fuck are you supposed to be holding in your hand?
GREY-HAIRED-ACTOR: Oh it's some of that 'science equipment' stuff. The prop department gave it to me.
JOHN BARROWMAN: I think that they were fucking with you grey-haired actor. That looks alot like an old Coke bottle with grey and yellow paint on it to me.
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: I think that its supposed to be an oxygen tank.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Why the fuck would you need an oxygen tank in a Submarine? In fact, surely the whole point of a Submarine is that you can dive without the aid of a gas-cylinder attachment?
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: Well, I asked the 'Fact Consultant' for this production, and he told while he was laughing like a hyena, clutching his sides and rolling around on the floor that I would need this old Coke bottle in order to make this scene historically accurate.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Oh, OK, fair enough. Guess we had better get on with those 'historically accurate' lines that he gave us too, huh? Ok, all together now!
ALL CHORUS: We all live in a yellow Submarine, A yellow Submarine, A yellow Submarine...

John Barrowman, who you may remember from such films as...'This One'....and...uh...'That Dr Who Spinoff Which Nobody Ever Watched'...and..uh...'Being Annoying', plays a man who wears a bright blue t-shirt and smiles alot in spite of the bloody violence that is taking place around him.



ME: Why are you smiling, John? Everyone around you is dying!
JOHN BARROWMAN: I'm a Sociopath.
ME:Oh.
JOHN BAROWMAN: Yuh, I've actually been killing and eating all of those surfers myself.
ME: What the fuck? What are you talking about?
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yeah, that was me. The shark actually had nothing to do with it, he just wanted to make friends with them, you know?
ME: Holy shit. I had no idea!
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yeah, I did pretty good, huh? I fooled you guys!
ME: Yeah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You crazy!
JOHN BARROWMAN: Hell yeah! I've killed, like, I dunno, twenty or maybe even thirty young male surfers and blamed it all on that stupid prehistoric shark.
ME: Wow. Kudos.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yuh. Hey do you like my shirt?
ME: I was just about to say, actually, that I really love your shirt.
JOHN BARROWMAN: It's got some surfer blood on it.
ME: Don't worry John Barrowman that'll wash right out.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yuh that's just what my Mom said.

It really isn't Megalodon's day. Not only has he failed to make a single friend, but the YMCA is now hell-bent on destroying him, and he is getting lumped with the blame for the psychosexual surfing murders taking place in the locality. It sure sucks to be Megalodon today.

 Looking for quality computer generated images?

 If you like to see a bit of the old CGI craftsmanship then 'Not Jaws' is the film for you.

John Barrowman is busy trying to cover up his murderous, sociopathological trail, when suddenly the Director decides that it is time for a bit of the old 'token love interest section of the movie'. Personally, if I had just seen a giant, prehistoric, HIV-positive shark brutally murder a series of young male surfers, I wouldn't much feel in the mood for romance, but I guess that's just because I have yet to experience the simple pleasure of sociopathy.

This here is what we in the business refer to as 'sexual tension'.

A bit more 'sexual tension'....although it looks to me like she is calling him a fucking prick.

Ah, the simple pleasures of killing surfers and blaming it on an HIV-positive prehistoric shark. After a bit of that glorious red-hot sexual tension between two actors who have no apparent sexual interest in each other whatsoever, we revert to type and Megalodon reappears.

Unlikely.

Megalodon, undeterred by recent events, decides that today would be a perfect day to strike up a friendship with John Barrowman.

SCIENTIST #1: What is that up ahead?

SCIENTIST #2: I think that it's probably just a 7-eleven.

SCIENTIST #1: Oh great! A 7-eleven! Lets stop and get nachos!

Stop tailgating me, Megalodon! I don't want to be your fucking friend, ok?

Unfortunately for Megalodon, John Barrowman isn't really looking for a friend, but more for a juicy young surfer to kill. Megalodon begins to feel increasingly low, and starts to comfort-eat.

Megalodon goes on 'The Speedboat Diet' to try to lose those extra pounds.

John Barrowman is mostly preoccupied with killing young surfers and doesn't really pay much attention to the downside of being a serial murderer. He's just having such a great a time chopping up those surfers and blaming it on Megalodon.

Good times!

Oh look! I found my dignity!

Megalodon gets a bit fed up after a while, what with everyone thinking he is a surfer-murdering-lunatic and everything. He decides that it is time to have a word with Barrowman.

Hi guys! Say, do you know where I can find a 'John Barrowman?'

Hi John, you and I need to have a little word..

So Megalodon and John Barrowman have a bit of a heart-to-heart. The 'heart-to-heart' mainly consists of Megalodon saying stuff like: 'What the fuck, John Barrowman?' and 'Why you been talking shit about me, man? What is UP with THAT dude?', and Barrowman saying stuff like: 'Just chill, Megalodon!', and 'Look, I didn't mean to offend you, ok?'.

Megalodon and John Barrowman then hug it out. Barrowman gets a bit of an erection during the hugging session (which is embarrassing for everyone concerned) but since Megalodon is a bit short on the old 'having friends' side of things, he decides to let it slide. They all live happily ever after, except, of course, for the surfing victims of John Barrowman's hypomaniacal, sadistic, murderous rage.

John Barrowman plays battleships with Megalodon. Look at how happy they are!

What have we learnt from 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'?

• Don't wear your favourite blue t-shirt if you are contemplating an evening of unrestrained homicidal mania.
• Don't try to have sex with a homosexual man if you are a woman, because the homosexual man will employ the use of frankly hillarious chat-up lines to get you in the sack.
• Don't try to blame your own murderous ambitions on a lonely prehistoric shark.
• Jaws was a fucking great film, and not even God himself could reproduce a viable competitor.