Film Review: Crocodile

Crocodiles are funny, aren't they? And by funny, I mean 'bastards'.

Fucking crocodile dickhead.

You never know where you are with them. One minute, they're giving you their nice cobbled skin to make a lovely handbag, the next, they're all like 'I'm probably going to kill you, to be honest'.

I'm going to sell you to Louis Vuitton you cunt.

So the message of 'Tobe Hooper's Crocodile' is something along the lines of: 'Yeah! Fuck crocodiles! Crocodiles are all cunts, aren't they? Fuck you, crocodile species as a whole!'

This might comes as a massive surprise, but crocodiles can be a bit dangerous.

In this brilliant* and ingeniously crafted** 'creature feature', Tobe Hooper builds up a career for himself as a laughing stock. Sorry, as a 'talented new director'. Often, when a studio lures some hot new directing talent onto its books, they decide to throw them a directorial bone in the form of a cheap, easily-manageable but otherwise black hole of a production, in an effort to see what they can do with it. And 'Crocodile' is certainly the sort of 'I-wouldn't-wipe-my-arse-with-this-shit' production that a hot young director desperate to make his mark upon the world would jump at the chance to direct.
*a lie.
** also a lie.

No expense spared on the special effects, I see.

All of this would make a great deal more sense if Tobe Hooper approached 'Crocodile' as his directorial debut. But he didn't. He came to it some 24 years after he put together the cinematic moonshine that was 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. I'm just saying! I'm just saying: 'What the fuck were you thinking, pissing your talent away like that, Tobe Hooper?'. But I'm guessing that Tobe hooper probably has this to say in response: 'Fuck you, you fucking fanboy cunt'.



Let's just agree that this is a quality production shall we?

So here we have a film. A film about a crocodile. A crocodile which gets a bit pissy. Its hardly a winning formula, is it? Not a winning formula, unless it is 1974 and you are Tobe Hooper, racing Steven Spielberg down a corridor towards a door marked with a sign which reads: 'Ready to produce something a bit different'. I guess Spielberg must have won that race, leaving Tobe to turn on his doleful heels and head towards another door, a door with a sign reading: 'Ready to produce something derivative'.

Stop judging me you cunts!

Producers like derivative. They like derivative very much indeed. Fuck it, if I were a producer, and not just a penniless cunt, I would opt to spend my millions in the 'safe-bet' haven of derivative film-making also. And 'Crocodile' is certainly a safe bet, because both Tobe and the producers knew that they would always be able to sell this crap to some tasteless fool. Some tasteless fool like me. And they were right. Just FYI, they were also right about being able to get me to buy 'Crocodile 2'; 'Piranha 1' and '2'; 'Octopus 1' and '2'; 'Spider 1' and '2'; Shark Attack '1' and '2'; 'Shark Swarm', 'Jaws 1', '2', and '3'; 'The Creature From The Black Lagoon', 'Attack of the Killer Bees', 'Alligator 1' and '2'; 'Frankenfish'; 'Saber Tooth Tiger'; 'Anaconda 1' and '2'; Loch Ness'; 'Primeval'; 'Black Water' and 'MegaShark versus Giant Octopus'. No, I don't have a boyfriend, why do you ask?

This is me, watching 'Crocodile 2'.
I'm a bit tired in this pic, because me and Jono had gone a bit OTT on the booze the night before.

Tobe Hooper's 'Crocodile' follows a group of cunts as they deservedly get eaten and try to fuck each other, but not in that order. If you are thinking that this plot sounds strangely familiar, that is probably because this is the same plot as for every other creature-feature film that you have ever seen in your life, ever. Well done, Tobe! Well done on the old 'producing something 100% bona fide derivative' thingie that you did. 

Welcome, idiots.

Look at how silly I am!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
So silly!
(Don't worry, I'll be dead soon).

 The group of cunts rent a boat in which to fuck each other and die horribly. Sorry, in which to 'enjoy being in the full bloom of youth and then be struck by a tragic, semi-supernatural, fate'. I would have liked it very much if Tobe Hooper had called this film 'Titanic: What Really Happened', but that's the trouble with retrospective I guess.

If I give you this crocodile egg would you suck me off?

The cunts anchor their boat so that they can drink and get high. Let's agree that this is DEFINITELY going to end well for them all. The boys leave the girls, so that they can...uh...so that they can fuck each other? I don't know. They leave the girls to sunbathe in a provocative way, whilst they go in to the lake of certain death and splash each other in a homoerotic fashion. Just to clarify: the male actors of 'Crocodile' were all definitely fucking each other. After a bit of splashy splashy 'oh you got me!' 'hahaha! I'm going to get you back!', they find a bunch of crocodile eggs. And they don't touch the crocodile eggs, or pick them up, or interfere with the nest in any way***.
***Actually, one of them picks up an egg and puts it in a rucksack. No, I don't know why he did that either.

A vicious crocodile hellbent on destruction makes an excellent surprise gift for friends.

In their post-coital fug, the boys decide that it would be a great idea to smash all of the crocodile eggs (nature lovers I see!) and then hide the last remaining unharmed egg in a rucksack belonging to the most annoying, whiny little bitch that I have ever come across on screen. Why do they do this? you might well ask. And Tobe Hooper has this to say in response: 'Fuck you guys! I made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre! What the fuck did you make? Huh? You made shit! That's what!'.

Hooper peaked with Leatherface. Don't worry Tobe, so did most of the entire horror genre!

Crocodilian Mama gets a bit pissy that a bunch of cunts have killed all her kids and that. She decides to teach them a lesson....by killing them all. Well, that's one way to teach a bunch of naughty kids a lesson in morality I guess. Another way would be by reducing their allowance, but, y'know, every parent is different.

And you're grounded, too!



Your son is going to be just fine, Madam.

The whole egg-stealing debacle doesn't really end well, to be honest. Quite alot of people die. Only they weren't actually 'people'. They were just 'teenagers'. And one of them had rainbow hair. So that's alright then, because as we all know, we only need apply the concept of empathy to the adult and pre-pubescent populations.

What have we learnt from Tobe Hooper's 'Crocodile'?

• Don't buy a DVD for under £2.50 and have high expectations.
• Stop buying fucking creature feature DVDs generally, actually.
• You can safely remove 'Tobe Hooper' from your 'People That I Would Like To Invite To My All-Time Best, Most Brilliantly Bitchin' wedding Buffet List Of Invitees'.
• It's definitely ok to enjoy watching teenagers die.
• Don't fucking steal a pissy crocodile's nest of eggs if you are about to go on a fucking boat trip.
• If somebody shouts at you to get out of the water, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER!