Film Review: The Last Exorcism

Exorcisms, eh? What an absolute fucking pain in the arse.

You try to help people and they go and stab a crucifix in their vagina ('The Exorcist'), or they do that damn crab-walk (um, that's 'The Exorcist' again), or they go and spit pea soup all over your lovely Magnolia walls ('The Exorcist' again: notice the recurring theme?). Or they do Yoga. Yeah, 'Yoga'.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, fucking hell, Yoga scares the dump right out of my arsehole. And that is clearly what the makers of 'The Last Exorcist' were thinking, when they sold this Yoga-related horror film to its crackhead producers.

Yoga: Good for the body and soul

In the plot-thingy, a little girl gets possessed, and a specialist exorcist works hard to try to save her. Sound familiar at all? Yes, well, that's because this is actually the plot from 'The Exorcist', but the writers have changed it by....uh...well..they've...no...look its just different, alright? So in 'Not The Exorcist', we have a little girl, called 'Little Possessed Girl', and her family of inbred evangelistic worriers, called 'Inbred Evangelist Worriers' who respectively spend their time doing Yoga, and trying to stop each other from constantly doing Yoga all of the fucking time.

Stop doing Yoga, Little Possessed Girl! You aren't Jane Fucking Fonda!

As it turns out, the Yoga-obsessed Little Possessed Girl has a few 'personal problems'. Unlike most teenagers, whose personal problems consist of 'being ugly' and 'spending their free time wanking', Little Possessed Girl's personal problem is that she is harbouring an errant demon inside of her. An errant demon who is not 'Gary Glitter', that is.

Gary Glitter: the type of errant demon that I would usually expect to find trying to hide within a little possessed girl.

The demon which has taken up lodgings within the avatar of Little Possessed Girl's body is not all that keen on moving out of his current residence, and is causing her a bit of trouble and that. The biggest trouble that it is causing her, from what I can see, is 'a constant desire to do Yoga'.

DRIVER: 'Hey, can you tell me if any kids need exorcising around these parts?'
PEDESTRIAN: 'It's funny that you should say that, because my Sister, 'Little Possessed Girl', needs exorcising'.
DRIVER: 'How convenient'.
PEDESTRIAN: 'Sure is'.
DRIVER: 'It's almost like this was a setup, or something y'know?'
PEDESTRIAN: 'I think that it's more likely that the Good Lord Jesus sent you to help us'.
DRIVER: 'Whatever'.

A preacher man, called 'Preacher Man' turns up at Little Possessed Girl's house, to remove Gary Glitter from her vaginal passage. Sorry that should have been 'to dispossess her of the aforementioned demonic presence'. The Preacher Man is something of an unknown entity, and it is frankly difficult to say whether he is ACTUALLY a preacher man, or is, in fact a SPY from a competing YOGA COLLEGE. I think that we can all agree that he is actually a spy from the local Yoga college.



Say, you look friendly! Would you like to join our Yoga Club, Friendly-looking Man?

The Yoga spy, or 'Preacher Man' as he would have us believe, introduces himself as 'The Reverend Cotton Marcus'. Now, I'm not being funny, but 'Cotton'? 'Cotton'? Is that a real name? Because I, personally, have never come across an individual whose name was 'Cotton' before. I have come across numerous cunts who insist on introducing themselves to me using their nicknames. You know the sort of thing; 'Hello, my name is Sausage'. 'Hello, my name is Misty'. Hello, my name is 'Edward', but everybody calls me 'Twinkle-
chest'. 'Hello, my name is Rose 'Take It Easy!' West'.

In an unexpected plot twist, Preacher Man and Little Possessed Girl end up having a passionate affair. You can say whatever you like about Daniel Stamm, but he sure likes to keep his Audience guessing.

Anyway. 'Cotton Marcus' (real name 'Dave') arrives at Little Possessed Girl's spooky house. Travelling with Cotton Marcus are his soon-to-be-dead camera crew, who have arrived on the scene so that they can die horribly. Sorry, I meant so that they can 'sort things out'. Cotton Marcus feels bad about being an official spy for the local Yoga college, and he also feels bad about his career history to date, spying on various Yoga-enthusiasts and reporting back to the National Yoga Association about their breakthrough Yoga techniques. It's quite the weight to carry on his shoulders, and Cotton Marcus decides to give up being a Yoga spy for good, just as soon as he has just finished this ONE LAST JOB.

The 'One Last Job' scenario: bound to end well

Whatever you say, Cotton Marcus. Although I have to warn you that in the entire history of film, the 'One Last Job' scenario has never really ended well for the contractor. I guess it's a third-party liability issue, right? Right.

I've lost an earring can you help me look for it?



L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it.

Reverand Marcus sets up his usual array of video-camera recording equipment, so that he can record footage of Little Possessed Girl practising her cutting-edge Yoga techniques, but things do not go to plan. Cotton tries repeatedly to dispossess Little Possessed Girl of her powerful capacity to stretch and balance in different Yogi positions, but it doesn't work. He also tries to rid her of that silly ol' demon, but that doesn't work either. Poor Cotton. Poor Cotton, because he has a ridiculous fucking name.

After a bit more trying, it starts occurring to Cotton that maybe he is a bit out of his Yoga league. As a last-ditch attempt, he tries making Little Possessed Girl listen too Dido, to rid her of her Yogi powers.

God no! Not Dido! Please make it stop!

 I don't like this bed.

Would you like to be a Midwife? Then call the National Midwife Association on 0666 666 666 and join us now.
JOIN US! JOINNN USSSS!!!

Little Possessed Girl's Brother, 'Richie Cunningham from Happy Days', is getting a bit fed up with everyone admiring her Yoga skills, and decides to put a spanner in the works. By killing everyone. Bad Richie from Happy Days! Bad! Still, it's one way to end things, I guess.

Little Possessed Girl's Murderous, Occultist Brother 'Caleb'.

Richie Cunningham from 'Happy Days'.
Hello Reporters. I am Richie Cunnilingus from 'Happy Days', and
 I am contractually obligated to wear this stupid fucking hat.

Preacher Man and co. attend the National Yoga Championships (sponsored by Satan) to raise their Yoga profile, but Richie from Happy Days decides that a more efficient way to win friends and influence people would be by killing the camera crew. Richie sure knows how to get himself some media attention! Preacher Man notices that Little Possessed Girl, who is competing at the Yoga Championships and has made it right through to the quarter-finals despite having some Feng Shui trapped in her womb, is about to slip on a piece of Tofu which Richie has left lying on a Yoga mat in the arena, in an attempt to sabotage Little Possessed Girl's Yoga routine.

Good Times!

Preacher Man dives into the arena to remove the piece of Tofu, but as he arrives at the scene of IMMINENT TOFU DANGER he makes the tragic mistake of eating said Tofu. Now, as we all know, Tofu is not, in fact, a food product, but actually a biological weapon commonly used as a form of terrible punishment reserved only for the worst types of criminalised behaviour; paedophilia, rape, murder, and stealing your colleague's yoghurt.

AAAAGH!!!

Preacher Man spontaneously combusts into flames. You have lost an hour and a half of your life. The End.

Watch out Satan. Yoga is coming.

What have we learnt from 'The Last Exorcist'?

• Don't have sex with your sister if you are Richie from 'Happy Days'
• Don't attempt to steal cutting-edge Yoga techniques from a little possessed girl.
• Don't go to an exorcism if you are a camera crew.
• Don't pay to watch a film that you have already seen, thirty years ago when it first came out in the Cinema.