Film Review: Piranha 3D

Do you find aggressive species of aquatic life sexually arousing? If you are one of the few who doesn't, fear not, because 'Piranha 3D' has lots of tit in it to distract you from the fishily pornographic imagery of mutated scales, flapping fins and fanged mouths.

Hello sexy!

Hello, androgynous sexual wasteland.

'Piranha 3D' is a videographical account of a true story.*
* Not true.

The story follows a bunch of twats, sorry, 'teenagers' as they get eaten by a bunch of prehistoric mutated fish and try to fuck each other. In the film, what actually happens is that they try to fuck each other FIRST, and THEN they get eaten by the fish. I think that in the sequel they should consider reverting this sequence of events. They could call it: 'Its Funny When Annoying Fictitious Teenagers Die in 3D'.

We'll be dead soon.

 Richard Dreyfuss sits in a crappy, tinpot boat on a lake drinking beer and fishing over the side. Richard Dreyfuss is wearing the same clothes worn by his Marine Biologist Character in 'Jaws'. That must have been embarrassing for the wardrobe department on 'Piranha 3D'. How could they not have noticed such a glaring error?

I was in 'Jaws' once, you know...

A denim jacket NEVER goes out of fashion!

Richard Dreyfuss chucks his empty beer bottle into the water and the bottle falls to the bottom of the lake, whereupon it somehow releases thousands of prehistoric killer piranha. God! I HATE it when that happens! The lesson here, kids, is 'Don't go fishing and drink beer at the same time, or you will die horribly at the hands of a fictitious, crudely-animated CGI fish'.

RICHARD DREYFUSS: 'Oh my God! Is that a shark's fin that I see on the horizon?!' FILM CREW: 'Its actually a piranha that you are supposed to be looking for, Richard'.

RICHARD DREYFUSS: 'Whatever'.

I would have liked to watch a film in which Richard Dreyfuss fucks the mutated piranha to death, but the director of this film, disapointingly, was not of a like mind. I guess that I'll just have to wait for that sequel. Richard Dreyfuss falls into the water (I know! I didn't see it coming either!) and dies. By drowning. I'm just kidding, he dies from mercury poisoning.

Mercury poisoning is no laughing matter. Never suck on a thermometer, kids! 

Over in another part of town, a boy who got dressed in the early 90s is speaking to his Mother, Elizabeth Shue. Elizabeth Shue is pretending to be a small-town police Sheriff, and the boy does not appear to recognise his Mum as Elizabeth Shue, because he doesn't say anything along the lines of: 'Oh my fucking God! My Mom is Elizabeth Shue!'

'Hello boys and girls! Would you like to be my friend?'

Elizabeth Shue, played in this movie by Jean-Claude Van Damme, tells her son to look after his two younger siblings. Elizabeth Shue's Son - lets call him 'Twat #1', because that is his name if you read between the lines - is very sad. Twat #1 is sad, because he has to look after his younger siblings, rather than enjoy Spring Break along with his fellow teenagers. Poor Twat #1.

Jean-Claude Van Damme plays 'Elizabeth Shue'.

Things get worse for Twat #1, when his friend, (played by Megan Fox's classier sister), turns up and says something along the lines of 'HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA you can't go to Spring Break, Fucko!'. You have to read between the lines for that bit, though, because what Megan Fox's classier sister actually says is 'I'm really sorry that you can't make it to Spring Break'. Luckily, I am a trained Master at reading between the lines.

The piranha family explains the concept of a 'promise ring' to Megan Fox's classier little sister.

Twat #1 goes to pick up his little sister and runs into Kelly Brook and a softcore pornographer along the way. Yeah, its that sort of town, I guess. Anyway, Twat #1 agrees to show Kelly Brook and the softcore pornographer some good places to film pornographic material around town. Helpful, isn't he? Teenagers are great that way. Twat #1 then pays his twelve-year-old little sister money, so that she won't tell Elizabeth Shue about her son's imminent career as an expert wanker, and not so that she will agree to star in said pornographic material. He needn't have worried - Elizabeth Shue has her own troubles to worry about, since she has just discovered Richard Dreyfuss' rotted corpse floating in a pool of stagnant water.

'I'm doing a Pornography Internship!'

Twat #1 leaves his younger sister and brother alone at home so that they can die horribly at the hands of some mutated fish while he masturbates vigorously over Kelly Brook. The mini-twats decide to take a crappy tinpot boat (can you see where this is going?) out to sea. I'm sure that their little sailing trip will end happily and without gallons of coagulated blood.

'Maybe a boat trip wasn't such a good idea?'

'No, you're absolutely right. I'm probably just overreacting! I'm sure that they'll be fine'.

I'm such a worrier!

'Go right ahead and enjoy your boat trip kids!'

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Shue is busy. Busy waking up to the fact that this film is not 'Leaving Las Vegas. Again'. She decides to hire Carlos from 'Desperate Houswives' to check out the rabid piranha infestation. I'm not sure that Carlos from Desperate Housewives is qualified to help you sort out your piranha problem, Elizabeth Shue. Elizabeth Shue does not agree with me.

Do you like my beard? I grew it all by myself!

She appears to be under the impression that Carlos Solis is, in fact, a Marine Biologist, and keeps asking him questions about fish. That's not a Marine Biologist, Elizabeth Shue! That's Carlos Solis from 'Desperate Housewives'! Oh forget it, you stupid Bitch.

'Oh look! There goes my career!'

Carlos Solis doesn't help matters by wandering around in a wetsuit and answering Elizabeth Shue's questions about prehistoric fish, although I have to assume that his answers to her questions are a complete fabrication, and not, in fact, a valid academic response to a query relating to marine life.

Elizabeth Shue takes a break from filming.

Carlos takes his prank on Elizabeth Shue a bit too far, by proceeding to dive into the piranha-infested waters and swimming into a murky prehistoric underground cave. According to the 'science' propagated by 'Piranha 3D' the movie, the rabid, prehistoric piranhas have been trapped in this underground cave since the times when rabid prehistoric piranhas walked the earth. So, 'never', then. The piranhas have been trapped in the cave since 'never'.

'This looks inviting! Lets go in here!'

It seems that when Richard Dreyfuss dropped his beer bottle onto the sea bed at the start of the film, he released the prehistoric piranhas, who, after being grounded in a cave since 'never', are relieved to be out and about again. Silly Richard Dreyfuss! Try to be more careful next time Richard! Carlos Solis insists on faffing about in the cave, in the manner of a 'Marine Biologist'. Unfortunately, Carlos runs into a bunch of Piranha, and boy do they give him a welcome! Gabrielle's going to be really pissed at you, Carlos!

'He's been down there for three weeks now. You reckon maybe something went wrong?'

Hey Carlos! Your wife's a slut!

Megan Fox's classier sister crashes the pornographic film shoot, and they all sail off happily into the sunset. No, hang on; thats 'Fifty First Dates' that I'm thinking of. In 'Piranha 3D', they all sail off and everybody starts snorting coke and shotting Tequila. On a porn boat. Just another average day in a normal teenager's life, then. Before long, Kelly Brook begins cracking onto Twat #1 quite strongly, which surprised me because I had not anticipated that her character would turn out to be a Paedophile.

'Hello little boy! Would you like a sweetie?'

Now that Carlos Solis and his fellow 'Marine Biologists' have all died, Elizabeth Shue decides that it is time to approach a real fish expert. An expert about fish. Elizabeth Shue telephones Buffy the Vampire Slayer to ask for help with analyzing the piranha specimen that she has brought with her in a bucket full of water, but unfortunately she only gets through to Buffy's voicemail. So who does Elizabeth Shue choose to investigate her fish problem instead?

I am a highly decorated 'fish scientist'. What? Its a job!

That's right, she chooses the Doctor from 'Back to the Future'. Between you and me, perhaps it would be better for Elizabeth if she were moved to the 'Remedial' class?

The mad inventor from 'Back to the Future' takes pity on Elizabeth Shue, because she is clearly mentally retarded. He pretends for her sake to be a scientist 'of fish'. A fish scientist. Elizabeth Shue shows him her fish in a bucket and they agree that there is NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH THIS FISH. Nope, all good here. Nothing out of place.

Well, this all seems to be in order.

Yes, its definitely just a rather large Haddock.

Actually, they agree that this fish is a rabid prehistoric monster, and conveniently the doctor from 'Back to the Future' has a fossilised version of the ancient Piranha to prove to everyone that...um...that he collects fossils?

How convenient.

Elizabeth Shue and the Doctor from Back to the Future both agree that something needs to be done about this fish. But instead of doing something about it, they do absolutely nothing. How very 'New Labour' of them. The 'Fish Scientist' is left alone with the captured lone piranha left 'safely' in a tank, and it somehow manages to get out and kill him. Resourceful little fuckers, aren't they? I am totally rooting for the fish.

Whilst all this is going on, Twat #1's younger brother and sister have found themselves stranded on a small island that has nothing on it and will soon be covered by the tide. The little sister cuts her foot on a bit of glass and the piranhas smell the blood from her bleeding foot, which she has decided to dangle in the water. Twat #1's sister begins swooshing her bloodied foot around in the water. Swoosh swoosh. Why? Because she really hates her feet and wants to be rid of them, thats why. Then the tide comes in very quickly and they are both brutally raped and then eaten by the piranha. No, sorry, thats '50 First Dates' that I am thinking of again. They are actually rescued by the porn boat.

The Sex Industry provides a wonderful environment in which to raise children.

Kelly Brook on set before she goes into make-up. Morning, Kelly!

A porn boat. Always a safe haven for a twelve-year-old girl and her eight-year-old brother.
Remember kids!: Porn boat = Safe Haven.

Moving on! Twat #1 is watching Kelly Brook and her co-star in the porn film whilst they are filming an underwater scene. Kelly Brook's co-star, a character whom for these purposes I shall refer to as 'Nubile extra #1,000,001', does not have any lines to speak in this film, but she doesn't need any lines, because she prefers to communicate her performance through the medium of 'breast implants'. Twat #1 watches these two talented actresses while they are being filmed molesting one-another under water, hoping that he can learn something from their performance which will enable him to pass his GCSE Maths exam.

Kelly Brook and Nubile Extra 1,000,001 are underwater sexual acrobats, and luckily we have the opportunity to watch their antics through a glass-bottomed-boat. The underwater scene goes on for a while. And for a while longer.

'Why doesn't anybody take me seriously as an Actress?'

After about seven minutes of watching Kelly Brook and Nubile Extra #1,000,001 enjoying each other's company underwater, my mother, who had kindly taken me to the Cinema (under extreme duress I might add) to watch 'Piranha 3D', turned to me and said: 'They've been holding their breath for a awfully long time, haven't they?'. And I agreed with her that they were both clearly very talented not only at underwater sexual acrobatics, but also at holding their breath for a VERY LONG TIME.

KELLY BROOK: 'When can I come up for some air?' DIRECTOR: 'Give me ten more minutes, Kelly'.

KELLY BROOK: 'But I don't have any breathing apparatus!'

DIRECTOR: 'Do I have to remind you that you're on the clock, Kelly? You're wasting your time as much as mine'.

KELLY BROOK: 'My brain feels funny'.

After seven minutes underwater, Kelly Brook and Nubile Extra #1,000,001 have both suffered severe brain damage caused by a lack of oxygen to their brains. Luckily, because this is Kelly Brook that we're talking about, nobody notices a terrific amount of difference between her before/after brain damage personalities.

Its time now, I think that you will all agree, for people to start dying in droves. The Director appears to agree with us, because now that he has succeeded in arousing the section of his audience who are attracted to Kelly Brook, he is now ready to turn his attention to the portion of his audience who are aroused by shots of aggressive fish. You've got to keep the investors happy, haven't you?

Calm down Love, its only a scratch. Seriously, you're overreacting.

I bet no one will even notice it.

Its Spring Break. There are lots of completely idiotic teenagers doing completely idiotic things. The sort of things that make you think that either:

A. The Director has never been a teenager. Nor has he ever met one. We have to assume this, because the teenagers in 'Piranha 3D' behave unlike any other teenager that I have ever met.

Or:

B. All teenagers are exactly like the ones in 'Piranha 3D', and I have just never met one myself. Twenty-seven years of existence, and all of the teenagers that I have met, which I THOUGHT were teenagers, were in fact cleverly-disguised bears working for the FBI.

Elizabeth Shue arrives at the Sprink Break Party and shouts through a megaphone at the spring break idiots. Get out of the water, Spring Break Idiots! she tells them. The Spring Break Idiots either:

A. Are all completely deaf.

B. Do not give a shit what Elizabeth Shue says. Spring Break Baby! Yeah! Woop Woop!

C. Are all French and do not understand what Elizabeth Shue is saying.

I think we can all agree that the Spring Break Idiots are probably French. The piranhas arrive at the Spring Break Beach Party and decide that it is time to fuck things up. Go piranha! Go Go Go!

This 'rescue' lark's going well, isn't it?

I think that if we tell the Spring Break Idiots to get out of the water, and they choose to ignore us, then their deaths are referred to as 'natural selection'.

The Spring Break Idiots are working their full-time jobs of dancing very badly, shouting things like: 'SPRING BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKK!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!', ignoring Elizabeth Shue when she tells them to get out of the fucking water, and jumping into the water full of Piranha, when, to everyone's complete and utter astonishment, the shoal of Piranha start tearing them all to bloody shreds. I know! I thought that everyone would make it back home safe and sound too! How's that for a twist?!

Looks like a suicide to me.

'Looking a bit sunburnt there Dude'.

Elizabeth Shue tries to help the Spring Break Idiots out of the water, but because of the rabid piranha attack, a bit of a panic ensues.

'Excuse me Sir, would you like some help? Sir?

Sir, have you been drinking?

Perhaps if Elizabeth Shue dangled precariously over the water on a flimsy thread of rope, that might help matters?

This is DEFINITELY GOING TO WORK.

The flimsy bit of rope breaks, but luckily Kelly Brook is lifted to safety by two Pterodactyls. You don't see the Pterodactyl scene though, because they had to cut that bit out. Editors, eh? What you actually see is Kelly Brook being hideously mauled to death by a swarm of vicous CGI fish. She dies because she did not tie her hair up in a ponytail properly before trying to escape the sinking boat (yeah, the boat is sinking by the way), and the piranhas latch onto her ponytail and pull her into the water by it.

I'm feeling much better, thanks. That cold I had has completely cleared up.

Just like how a goldfish does. You know, like when you have your pet goldfish in a tank in your room and you say to your friends: 'Tie your hair up before you go near my goldfish tank, or my pet goldfish will eat your face off', but there is always one careless friend who just doesn't listen, isn't there? Silly careless friends. Boy, have I been to an awkward funeral or two in my time ha ha ha!

After quite a bit of this sort of thing:

Get me out of the fucking water! I'm beginning to prune!

And this:

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. Seriously, Kelly, let your fucking hair down.

Everybody dies. The end.

Are we all dead then?
Yeah, sorry about thaat guys. Try not to let it get you down.

What have we learnt from Piranha 3D?

• The film set for a pornographic video production makes an excellent place to keep a watchful eye on a child. Particularly if that child is eight or twelve-years-old, and there is an abundant supply of Cocaine, Paedophiles and rabid prehistoric piranha on offer for their amusement.
• Do not hire mediocre actors in a situation where what you really need is a genuine academic. Its funny how a professional 'entertainer' who voluntarily choses to grow a goatee beard cannot provide you with a reasonable explanation as to why your neighbourhood is suddenly being terrorised by poorly-animated CGI fish.
• Wearing a bikini and having fun is ony a good idea if you would really like to die.
• If you are faced with a shoal of vicious piranha, do not attempt to commandeer a speedboat in order to escape the aforementioned piranha, if you are then going to decapitate your friends with it. Its just rude. Rude!
• Do not litter the sea bed. Because the sea bed will get its revenge.
• Wearing the same denim jacket since 1975 will not save you from a piranha attack, despite what you might think.