Film Review: The Crazies

Do you like the Government?

I didn't think so. Not many people do.

Perhaps we should express our dislike for govermental authority figures through the medium of film?

Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea! We can satirise the covert nature of statutory procedure by injecting a little magic realism into the proceedings, then we can employ a ficitious 'Big Brother' style political authority to pretend that our cheap-shocks horror film is, in fact, an intelligent social commentary. Just for the record though - it isn't. Not even if you squint.

Now that we have agreed upon a business model, I would like to officially welcome
you to Cliche Town!

Welcome to Cliche Town: The Number One Tourist Destination For Uninspired Film Directors.

One of the wildly camp serial killers from 'Scream 2' has escaped the long arm of the law and is now trying desperately to go-it straight in Cliche Town. The killer from 'Scream 2' has left behind his lucrative career as a prolific murderer and has now taken a massive pay cut to pursue his dream of becoming the Cliche Town Sheriff.

'Hello Viewers I am living the dream in this shitty town'.

Congratulations, Serial Killer, on your new appointment as the Cliche Town Sheriff. I'm sure that you will turn out to be hugely successful and not an absolute fucking disaster. If I may, I would also like to praise you on your choice of 'bland, background wife'. Its nice to see that women are being offered better roles these days, and are no longer having to pay second fiddle whilst the man monopolises all of the critical glory.

Bring me a cup of tea you cunt!

Rhada Mitchell works hard to shatter that pesky glass ceiling with her performance as 'bland, background wife'.

Things are going very well for the Sheriff, apart from the whole 'imminent contaminated water debacle' of course. The Sheriff's Wife, played by that actress whom I always confuse with the one who played the naked, blue-skinned mutant in the 'X-Men' films with Captain Jean-Luc Picard from the Starship Enterprise, may or may not be pregnant. I know, I know, its really very difficult to care either way.

Lets play...SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!

There are two IDENTICAL images immediately below:

PICTURE 'A'

PICTURE 'B'

Can you tell the difference between these to indistinguishable beige dullards? Send in your answers on a postcard to me at idontgiveafuckingshit@cocksmiths.com, and the first correct answer that I draw out of my own anus wins....too much time on their hands!!! Yay!!!

The Director hopes that a potentially pregnant Sheriff's Wife may help him to coax a smidgen of pathos from the Viewer in the event that the Wife is brutally murdered, but I think that he may have underestimated just how much the viewing public fucking hate children.

'I may or may not be pregnant. Please try hard to give a shit you heartless Bastards'.

I am a professional though, so I will not allow this confusion about the lady who starred in 'X-Men' to reveal itself. Much.

'Its so hard to find a decent Nanny these days'

The former serial killer and 'Sheriff' decides to attend a baseball game being played by a bunch of local school kids. He's dressed in his Sheriff's uniform so I have to assume that attending kid's baseball games is a regular part of his 'Sheriff's duties'. There's an awful lot of TERRIBLE CRIME that goes on at kids baseball games, you know. Mostly paedophilia, I would imagine.

This is me being at work. Do you like my uniform? My Mom made it for me.

The Sheriff likes his uniform so much that he likes to keep it on. Always. The people at the baseball game point at him and say 'Oh look there's that guy from Scream 2', and 'Why is he wearing a Sheriff's uniform on a Saturday?', and 'Have you killed any more teenagers recently, Sheriff?'. Whereupon the Sheriff turns around and starts yelling at the crowd: 'Who said that? Seriously, which dumb Fuck said that? Come over here and say that! I'm a real Sheriff now! I haven't killed anybody in ages! Not anybody who wasn't a criminal, anyway!'. Ok Sheriff we respect you now, although we would respect you more if you took that uniform off so that we could wash it once every so often. Yes, we know that its your favourite outfit but you can wear it again tomorrow, ok?

I'm a professional Sheriff! Take me seriously you Fucks!

The baseball game is going swimmingly, until a local 'character' (and by 'character' I actually mean 'mentally disturbed homicidal maniac who poses a very real and present danger') wanders onto the baseball pitch with a loaded rifle in his hand.

Spoilsport!

The Sheriff is delighted: its time for him to start doin' some law enforcin'! Instead of enforcing the law, though, what he actually does is shoot the local character to death. In front of a crowd of baseball-playing children and their parents. Job done! This is what happens if you employ a serial killer to enforce the law.

Our shootin' tootin' friend feels bad that he shot the man to death in front of all those people.

'I feel sad today can I have a hug?'

Its a good thing that he did shoot the man to death though, because, um, because...look, I'm sure that it was the right thing to do, ok? Let's not question the good Sheriff's judgement aready.

DEPUTY: 'Uh, Sheriff, are you absolutely sure that you had to shoot him?' SHERIFF: 'If in doubt, shoot! That's what I say! Are you writing these tips down because you could seriously learn something from me'.

DEPUTY: 'Couldn't you just have handcuffed him or something?'

SHERIFF: 'What are 'handcuffs'? Do handcuffs have bullets in them? I have a grenade if that helps...'

The Sheriff's good lady wife is a Doctor. Yes, you heard me right. The Doctor who may or may not be pregnant is observing something of an epidemic in Cliche Town. She phones her husband to tell him 'I am witnessing an epidemic you know', and he says 'Oh its probably that naughty water thingy', and she agrees. God, this script is, like, totally razor sharp!

The contaminated water is infecting the residents of Cliche Town with what looks to me like a severe form of facial crabs. Damn you, facial crabs! The facial crabs, latin name Crabbicus Slutticus Spreadicus Facicus, is taking down the Cliche Town citizens one-by-one, and the are displaying such serious symptoms as 'wearing dungarees' and 'repeating things twice'. The Sheriff goes to investigate and sort this contaminated mess out.

A clear-cut case of crabs.

I can't come to the phone Mom I'm in Crab Quarantine.

This should be right as rain again in no time.

Astonishingly, prodding the water tank with a spoon, and then prodding the water pipes with a spoon does NOT actually provide a legitimate cure for the crabs epidemic. What is the Cliche Town Sheriff to do? Perhaps he should do....absolutely nothing?

Hey Lady! Are you sure its crabs cuz my dick just fell off.

I got me a second opinion but the second opinion was that it was crabs too. Guess I better tell my wife.

And my wife's sister.

Do this five times a day and within two weeks your facial crabs will have completely cleared up.
Ok, thanks Doctor.

Yes, lets ignore it and hope that it goes away.

This one night stand is going well, wouldn't you say? We're so sexually compatible!

Say, can I see you again?

SHERIFF: 'It'll probably just go away if we ignore it'.
WIFE: 'Yes I agree would you like a glass of water'.
SHERIFF: 'Yes please I would love a delicious glass of contaminated crab water thank you wife'.
WIFE: 'I might have a delicious glass of crab water too, that way we can garuantee that our baby will be safe'.

It doesn't go away, and instead, a man locks his wife and son into a cupboard and then sets it on fire.

'Happy New Year Guys! Come on, sing with me!

And Auld Lang Syne...

SHERIFF: 'What the fuck do you mean 'my wife gave you facial crabs'? My wife is a virgin you prick!'

FACIAL CRABS SUFFERER: 'Isn't your wife pregnant?'

SHERIFF: 'Yeah? What's your point Fucko?'

FACIAL CRABS SUFFERER: 'Uh..well..I mean if she's a virgin, y'know?'

SHERIFF: 'What?'

FACIAL CRABS SUFFERER: 'How is she pregnant?'

SHERIFF: 'Oh! Right, right! Yuh, she explained that to me apparently the baby was a precious gift from Jesus'.

After that things start getting a bit weird. Weirder than a small-town sheriff who used to be a serial killer shooting to death a local character. Weirder, even, than a crab epidemic. Thats right. Things gets pretty fucking weird. You would think, wouldn't you, that the Sheriff and his wife would stop drinking the naughty crab water, since its encouraging the good Citizens of Cliche Town to start brutally murdering one another. But they don't.

Jesus goes for a nice walk with some friends.

'I like to throw caution to the wind, especially when there is a baby at risk. I'm just that kind of guy I guess'.

The Sheriff, his wife the 'Doctor', and the Sheriff's Deputy try to escape the town.

'You're it'.

Its quite difficult to leave town though, because our band of brothers keep running into homicidal neighbours which puts a bit of a spanner in the works.

SHERIFF: 'Ouch! What happened to you Dave?' DAVE: 'I drank the water and it gave me a bad case of Facial Crabs'.

SHERIFF: 'Oh'.

DAVE: 'Maybe you and your pregnant wife should stop drinking the water, so that you don't also get infected?'

SHERIFF: 'No, that's OK. I mean, what are the chances of it happening again, right?'

DAVE: 'Oh quite high I'd say Motherfucker'.

SHERIFF: Now there's really no need to be rude Dave.

DAVE: 'You're right. I'm sorry Sheriff. I'm on the rag, you see?'

SHERIFF: 'No need to apologise Dave I've been there myself!'

During the escape from the homicidal maniac Townsmen and the homicidal maniac Government Agents desperate to cover up their tracks using ANY MEANS POSSIBLE the Sheriff decides that now would be an excellent time to take his truck to the car wash.
Truck. Car wash.
Good.

There's always time for a car wash, class! At the car wash there are lots of people waiting to spray uncontaminated blood all over the truck's leather interior.

'Shit Guys that was a new car! Not funny! My Dad is going to kill me! 

Off the Sheriff plods with his shiny, fresh new car (covered in blood stains) and after a bit of homicial hassle at the local diner, the Sheriff and his wife escape Cliche Town and arrive at the nearest City.

SHERIFF: 'Hey! Lets say we stop off here for a burger before we leave town?' WIFE: 'Maybe we should just keep going?'

SHERIFF: 'You are such a whiny little bitch! Look, I'm going to head in for a bite to eat, come and join me if you want to, OK?'

WIFE: 'Why is there a giant face watching us?'.

SHERIFF: 'I was just going to ask you abouT to ask you the exact same thing. I thought that maybe you put it there?'

WIFE: 'Why the fuck would I have a giant face follow us around?'

SHERIFF: 'Remember the last time that you were on the blob and you had that chicken dressed in a catsuit made out of discharge follow us around?'

WIFE: 'God! That happened ONE TIME! Would you just let it go? Jesus!'

Unfortunately, the Government has its Big Brother-style camera lens trained firmly on the escapees, and just when you think that the Sheriff and his Wife might make it out of there alive, you realise that the City is now the new target for the crab epidemic. The crab epidemic which will cover up all traces of the previous crab epidemic, yeah? Good, I'm glad that we've got that sorted.

Bon Voyage!

What have we learnt from 'The Crazies'?

• Don't employ a former serial killer as a small-town Sheriff where a normal non-sociopath would suffice.
• Don't put your wife and kid in a wardrobe and then set fire to it, even if you are suffering from the condition known as 'Facial Crab Shame'.
• Don't think that Facial Crabs won't get to you in the end, because it will.
• Don't shoot local characters to death in front of a group of kids, even if that local character is carrying a sexually-transmitted disease.
• Don't be so foolish as to assume that feigning a potential pregnancy will manipulate viewers into feeling some form of empathy, because it won't you manipulative, film-directing Bastard.