Film Review: Unknown

A story about men stuck in a large warehouse. Five stars!

I am a devoted fan of the bargain basement DVD section of HMV. It is largely due to this commendably unprejudiced miserliness that I have recently come into contact with Jim Caviezel, God bless him. he tries. He tried in 'Angel Eyes', with Jennifer Lopez (only £3.59!). He tried in that Mel Gibson film about Jesus, where Gibson subtly interweaved the story of the Messiah along with subliminal imagery showing pictures of himself cuddling Jews and holding up signs saying 'Mel Gibson does not hate Jews'. That one only cost me £2.99! It would have been better in 3D though...

Caviezel also tried hard in 'Frequency'. In Frequency Caviezel maintained his 'I'm sad, me' face tirelessly for 120 minutes, whilst acting alongside that man who I tend to confuse with Meg Ryan's ex-husband who she cheated on with Russell Crowe. Dennis Quaid! Don't worry; Dennis; you're better off out of it anyway - I hear Meg was very rude to Michael Parkinson and only somone one with a morality vaccum in the place where their heart should be could be rude to Parky.

Now Jim is trying hard in 'Unknown', next to Bridget Moynahan (also wearing a sad face). Basically; Jim wakes up. He's confused. He doesn't know who he is. Or where he is. He's wearing double-denim, so things are VERY BAD INDEED. Also bad? He's surrounded by bodies; one has been shot, one is lying face down on the ground covered in blood, one is tied to a chair. Is this Saw VII? No, it isn't, unfortunately, because that would have been markedly less forgettable.

Jim wanders around...I think that he's in a warehouse somewhere? He can't get out, everything is soundproof and the doors are all heavy-duty and sealed. It doesn't look good. What is Jim to do? I know! How about sad face?



Columbia Pictures would like to introduce 'Sad Face'

Jim wanders around for quite a bit. A bit too long, actually, if you ask me, because I'm not here for the Warehouse tour of Mexican desert outposts. He takes his denim jacket off (good move). He puts it back on again (No!! What are you doing!). He needs to get out of the Warehouse, because if he doesn't then the Fashion Police are going to sentence him to appear on Ten Years Younger alongside that heavily plasticised South African villain.



Don't be rude about my denim jacket you cunt

Jim finds leaking gas (oh no!), then he answers a telephone call and it turns out that maybe he's a bad guy (Oh no!! Cue more sad face). The bodies around him start to wake up, and one of them is from 'Six Feet Under' and since leaving the show he has put on a beard and quite a bit of weight. The bodies argue. They accuse Jim of being a baddie. J'accuse, Jim!! Jim looks sad. The bodies don't want to be his friend, because he is wearing a denim jacket.



Jim is arrested for crimes against fashion, tells kids 'Don't do double denim!'

We cut to Bridget Moynahan. She's doing something with a locker, but nothing very interesting or worthy of subplot. They introduce her by using that pervy camera shot which introduces all female characters in films: she is walking along in a short skirt and the camera slides slowly up from her high heels to her legs as she walks in a sexy but determined way that I have never seen a woman walk in unless she is on the telly.

The film industry seemed to really embrace this slide-up-the-ladies-legs shot in the eighties and I have to assume that, given Jim Caviezel's wardrobe and the budding friendship-slash-adversarial relations playing out in the Warehouse that this film is in fact some kind of 1980s homage to the buddy movie.

Somebody offers Bridget a cup of coffee, I think its a nice policemen. She can't drink coffee; you idiot! She's too sad! See the sad face? She talks to him about sunsets. I'm not really sure whats going on and start having a conversation with my friend about underground Luxembourgish hip hop.

Jim is still in the Warehouse, but nobody can remember who they are yet or how they might know each other. They blame the leaking gas for their memory loss. Helpfully, on the side of the gas cannister there is a message which reads 'Leakage may result in memory loss or death'. Oh no! Oh well never mind, hopefully everyone will forget that when they first met Jim was wearing a denim jacket.

Each character blames the other for being the bad guy; but they don't really remember who is what. The fat guy from Six Feet Under tells Jim that he saved him from drowning when they were kids; then after finishing his story he dies. They cover Fatty in a dirty blue blanket and then fight over a gun. Jim reveals that he had a telephone conversation with the kidnappers, and that he might be one of them. Sad face.




Jim, practises 'Sad Face' keeps fingers crossed for that Oscar

Perhaps I am supposed to be hoping that Jim is not a superbad kidnapping gun-totin' criminal, but is in fact just a tour guide for the 2008 Mexican Warehouse Tour of the Midwest? Its difficult to say at this point which I think he is, although whichever personality transpires I would like very much to see a break from sad face. The Warehouse crew start sawing at some bars on a window. This is very dull. Then they start hoisting each other up to try shooting out another window. Go team! They they whistle for a bit. Its a very tense affair indeed. But not tense enough to prevent me from disappearing for ten minutes to make some cheese on toast.
When I get back, Jim is pointing a gun at two of his Warehouse cronies, because he thinks that he might be a baddie, and that is what baddies do. The denim jacket has made a reappearance: Video Killed the Radio Star! They ask him not to kill them, because they don't want to die and that. Surely there can't be a more humiliating way to die than at the hands of a sad-faced man wearing a denim jacket. Unless of course you died in the 80s; in which case what an admirably fashion-forward death you must have had. 'Put a trenchcoat on; Jim!'; his Warehouse friends say* (*if you read between the lines). At least then they can say that they were killed by a flasher.

The camera cuts away, and two shots ring out. Oh my God! I can barely take the suspense! Jim is fighting someone else. He looks like a sexy homeless person. His friends turn up - they aren't dead! Hurrah! It turns out that he isn't a baddie, he's an undercover cop. Sad face. Hang on; why is sad face here? Aren't we happy and relieved that Jim is an undercover cop and not in fact a kidnapper? Sad face looks at Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan looks at sad face. Knowingly. Am I missing something? Ooh -there's a twist coming! Watch out M. Night Shayamalan! M; Night Shayamalan can rest easy; this twist isn't exactly keeping the Usual Suspects awake at night.

In a series of vaseline-lensed flashbacks, we are told that Bridget and sad face were having an affair. A bit of an awkward affair, entirely free from the confines of any sexual chemistry. In lots of white rooms with white, cloudy curtains they hold hands and he looks at her legs. They hatch a plan to get her away from her husband, who it turns out is one of Jim's Warehouse cronies. The plan is not called 'divorce'. I'm a bit bored, and the cheese on my cheese on toast has curdled in an unappealing fashion. Sad face. Fuck you, cheese! Never mind, at least I'm not wearing a denim jacket.