Film review: Chloe

Ah! Un film un peu wanky et Arthouse. Un film qui pretends to be french. Tres bien!

Except that c'etait actually tres tres merde.

'Three heads are better than one'..is aparently what the uninspired graphic designer decided about the promotional photographs

Anyway. Le plot: Liam Neeson plays a voice with Julianne Moore as his red hair. The Voice and the Red Hair have been married for a painfully long time and live in a blandly-decorated, tasteful-looking house, which is presumably symbolic of their frustratingly bland and tasteful sex life. Ooh! Imagery! How very clever.

Liam and Julianne play 'Limpets' in their giant beige house

Moore and Neeson have a whiny and irritating son, who has problems, yeah, although because this is an 'arty' and 'subtle' film (ha!) we are left to guess what these problems are and where they might actually stem from. Presumably, they stem from his embarrassingly sexually-charged parents, but its difficult to say, because with the voice and the hair as his parents this kid has a colossal heap of self-congratulatory yawn to deal with.

A family trip to the cinema to watch 'Peggy Does Dallas'

Then Julianne Moore gets a daughter. Sorry, I meant a lover. Or an escort? Its difficult to say, but they end up having sex anyway, although neither of them seems to enjoy it very much. Its funny how incest is never as much fun as you think its going to be.

In this scene, Chloe offers Julianne a cup of tea.
CHLOE: 'Cup of tea, Chloe?'
JULIANNE: 'No, I'm alright for the moment thanks'.

The daughter kind of comes across as a bit of a slut, but I reckon that maybe I just wasn't the target audience for this film. The target audience probably saw her as 'just misunderstood'. She really is a slut, though.

I was in 'Mamma Mia', you know

Anyway, Red Hair gets her daughter - that pretty blonde girl from Mamma Mia - to flirt with Neeson and stuff, yeah, because she thinks, sorry KNOWS, that he’s playing around behind her back. So, by getting that escort from Mama Mia to seduce Liam Neeson she will prove that he’s …..something…something important, relevant to the plot and probably quite sexy, in a ‘we have no chemistry’ sort of a way.

Liam offers to 'water' Chloe's 'greenhouse'

So. Moore finds out that Neeson has been having sex in a greenhouse with the escort, and you know what they say, Julianne: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Oh yeah, and there’s lots of stuff. And they all stuff that girl from Mama Mia.

AbsolutCrap.