Film Review: Battle LA



Gaddaffi tells Los Angeles: 'Fuck You. I am not a fan of your Celine Dion concerts'.

I went on a date the other day. With a boy and that. I generally prefer to leave the house only on those occasions when I run out of peanut butter or tampons; or when the little boy tied up in my basement starts bitchin' and moaning about how he needs some more insulin. My date offered to pay for the cinema, though, and for my popcorn, so I figured that he might be worth a test drive.

Time to leave the house. Guess I'd better take off that wedding dress and dust the cobwebs out of my vagina.



Tampons; the fun way to not bleed all over bus seats.
Remember that 'fun' is a relative concept.
And that some guys may deceptively describe themselves on dating websites as being 'a fun guy'.
Relative. Concept.

He took me to see Battle LA (my choice) because I thought that if we went to the cinema I wouldn't have to talk to him. Apparently though this was not th case, because he seemed to think that the film in front of us was merely a flickering support act to the critically-acclaimed main performance of his own voice.

This is what our date was like. Only we were in the cinema, not standing next to some hideous curtains.
And I am much better looking than she is. Much. Better looking. Yuh.

It did occur to me that my date might at some point try to take advantage of being seated in a dark room next to a vulnerable (ha!) lady, and that his 'taking advantage' might involve him getting his cock out and waggling it hopefully in my direction, but in actual fact no such cock-related activity took place.

There was none of this. He hadn't even bought any preparatory lube along with him.

This meant that I had to sit through a 90-minute-long performance of 'Battle LA', punctuated throughout by the bland, background conversation of a man whose idea of sparkling first-date conversation involved asking me what my favourite colour was (the colour of you; if you were dead), and whether I 'preferred waterskiing or wakeboarding' (I am morally opposed to sporting activity of any kind).

Waterskiing is for Cunts. I can say this with authority, because some of my best friends are Waterskiers.

 So; to Battle LA. There is a man. A military man. He has killed alot of people, but not in the good way that the military endorses. In the completely different and VERY BAD, VERY BAD INDEED way that the military does not endorse. Oh no!

Hello; my name is 'Military Man'.
I like to wear uniforms and speak in a calm, husky, undertone because that way everyone can see how wise I am.
Calm, husky voice = wise. Kay?

Military Man has a reputation for getting people killed. Just to clarify, despite 'getting people killed' being the primary objective of all military personnel, Military Man's reputation does not appear to make him especially popular. I guess if you want to be popular in LA you just have to suck cock like everybody else.

Nobody likes me because I killed some people.
It's confusing, y'know, because killing people is my job.
I guess that's what they call 'double standards'.
Although my commanding officer told me that if I put his 'double standard' in my mouth,
I could forget all about that bad reputation of mine.

 Military Man leads a Group of Idiots into battle against what appears to be a troupe of particularly aggressive Jellyfish. The Group of Idiots aren't very good at killing the Jellyfish, but perhaps that is because they are actually conscientious objectors stuck in the wrong fucking job. It sucks to be a conscientious objector in the current economic climate; but I guess you gotta take whatever job lands at the feet of your 'War is Wrong!' placard.

Hello; my name is 'Conscientous Objector Stuck in the Wrong Fucking Job'.
It sucks to be me y'all.

Alright Bitches!
I am a scary Jellyfish WOOOOOOO!
What do you mean 'You're not scared?'

The Agressive Jellyfish attack LA. Why? What do you mean, 'why'? They just do, ok? Probably so that they can tear it up at all those fucking Casinos. Or so that they can pretend to be in 'The Hangover'. Why the fuck else would you go to LA, unless you had a sudden, overwhelming urge to be surrounded by Herpes?



Welcome to LA!

The Jellyfish attack LA, and Military Man and his group of Conscientous Objectors go into the battle zone, so that they can pretend to be in 'The Hangover'. Unfortunately, it turns out that the Jellyfish are not big fans of 'The Hangover'; so instead of quoting Zach Galifianakis and wearing 'Phil' wigs, they instead kill almost all of the Conscientous Objectors and then then start drawing cocks on the faces of the newly-dead victims. Not so much the last part; that last part is mostly just 'implied'.

The Military do not come off well in 'Battle LA'.
It's as if they aren't really in the Military at all.
But are in fact just a bunch of Actors.
Huh.

In the end the Jellyfish sort of give in. Probably because they can't survive outside of the water for all that long. Seriously, how long can a Jellyfish survive out of water? An hour? Two hours? Battle LA lasted for about an hour and a half, so I guess by that time the Jellfish were ready to haul ass back to the sea yo.

Ready to haul ass back to the sea.
LA sucks.
Plus, some slut gave me Herpes!

Military Man and his gang of battle-hardened Conscientious Objectors take LA by storm. Actually, they sort of fuck it up a bit, what with all their explosive devices, poorly-aimed gunshots and the littered corpses of Herpes-infected children. The Jellyfish tire of the LA scene; probably because they are surrounded by fucking idiots. Military Man insists on interjecting every fifteen minutes of the finale with some piss-poor emotional dialogue cleverly masquerading as filler. The biggest Jellyfish of the lot (for the purposes of this review let's call him 'Dave') is blown up in what some might say is an excellent metaphor for the general attitude of teh United States towards illegal aliens, and the Military get bored of Conscientious Objecting and decide to make killing people their main purpose in life.

Blowing shit up is ALWAYS a good idea.
Especially when the thing you are blowing up is something that you don't understand.
Or something foreign.

What have we learnt from Battle: LA?

• Don't go to the cinema with a cunt.
• If you think something might be different to you IN ANY WAY, blow that thing up.
• If you want to get along in the Military, it helps to be a Conscientious Objector.
• Jellyfish, no matter how tall, well-armed or aggressive-of-character, are not an intimidating species of animal.
• If Aaron Eckhart thought that starring in Battle LA would help to rise his profile amongst the 'Twats who go to watch any old shit at the cinema' demographic, then he was right. If he was shooting for an Oscar nomination, then it's fair to say that he was 'less right'.