Film Review: Shark Night 3D

What the shit is this movie about?
It's impossible to tell from the poster.

Is that a shark fin?! Oh my god, I think it's a fin!
It's not really a fin; it's actually just a guaranteed return on investment. Don't beat yourself up - it's a fairly common mistake. I don't know if you've been reading the papers lately, but there's been a fair few human casualties attributed to shark attacks. It's only appropriate, then, that Hollywood pays tribute to the fallen in a suitably tasteful and befitting manner.

'Tasteful '.

What's that you say; we don't have a 'tasteful and befitting' script? Fuck it then, lets just do this instead. Shark Night 3D - boy, they don't give you any plot clues in the title either do they? - it's about two hick loons, some college kids, and a bunch of sharks; all with a rather careless attitude towards health and safety.

His arm's fallen off.
Well, I say 'fallen'...

The traditional assortment of startlingly beautiful, bikini-clad teenagers arrive at a picture-perfect lodge; a lodge conveniently positioned in close proximity to a shark-infested lake. Say - I don't suppose that these two key elements will run into each other at some point?

How convenient.

Safely ensconced within the lodge-of-certain-death, the group kick off the proceedings with a shamelessly mechanical, plot-furthering debate about whether or not a shark could realistically inhabit a lake. It's just what the audience has been waiting for - how can we possibly enjoy a shark film without some kind of reassurance that the events depicted stay true-to-life? You may remember that classic Box Office disaster, 'Jaws'? Yeah, well that wasn't a true story, and where's the director now? Nowhere, that's where. In professional limbo.

You won't remember this, because no one has ever seen or heard of it.

I'm just going to throw this out there: I don't think that an audience full of people who have paid good money to watch a CGI shark tooth-fuck the z-list care much about the zoological accuracy of what they are seeing. 

All well and good, but what I really want to know is this:
could this jet-ski-humping shark realistically inhabit a saltwater lake?

My disregard for the (ahem) 'science' aside, the teenagers come to the conclusion that a shark might indeed inhabit a lake, despite it being a VERY DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT to the sea 'n all, because this right here is a saltwater lake. So that's ok then. Because, y'know, that minute detail was the only thing about Shark Night 3D which didn't ring true to life.

VICTIM: 'Hey! What the shit are you doing here?'
SHARK: 'This is a saltwater lake, actually'.
VICTIM: 'Oh. I'm sorry. My bad'.
SHARK: 'That's OK. I get this ALL THE TIME'.
VICTIM: 'I'll bet! Not many people know that a shark can inhabit a saltwater lake'.
SHARK: 'I know! I get comments, like, on a daily basis'.
VICTIM: ''People are so ignorant about the natural migrational habits of saltwater-dwelling fish'.
SHARK: 'Aren't they? I'm always like, jeez, get some ed-joo-cay-shun!'
VICTIM: 'Hahaha, yeah!'
SHARK: 'Hahaha, so true'.
VICTIM: 'Ha. Hahaha'.
SHARK: 'So anyway, let's get to it, cuz, uh, I'm pretty hungry'.

Hello boys and girls! I am a shark, 'living in my natural environment'.

Hello boys and girls, I am a shark 'living in a convenient and spectacularly lazy plot twist'.
Is it just me, or do I look...I dunno....meaner to you?

The teens start doing the usual kind of thing that college kids do on films; mainly this involves behaving like prize-winning cunts while trying to unsuccessfully to breed with one another. One of the youngsters, a young 'Jock' type, prone to thumping his friends aggressively on the back in a frankly ridiculous simulation of alpha-male behaviour, chooses to spend the afternoon waterskiing. That's right; he decides to go waterskiing on a gloomy lake riddled with man-eating sharks. WHO DOES THAT?

You're doing it wrong.

A mischievous young shark observes the jock doing the waterskiing thing, and decides to join in. Well, I say 'join in', but what the shark actually does is knock the jock off his waterski pedestal and eat the shit out of him. It's a very poignant moment, actually, because the jock has this whole back story about how he comes from a really poor background, and he's just been offered a contract with a Major League Baseball Team, and..oh wait...that's right....I don't actually give a shit.

OM NOM NOM.

The jock crawls back to the lodge. I don't know if you've ever noticed, right, because maybe you have alot less time on your hands than I do, but it's pretty hard to crawl when you only have the one arm going on there to help you out. It's pretty tricksy, I'd say. A bit like trying to swim with your hands tied behind your back, or trying to maintain your integrity during the Leveson enquiry when you're guilty as fuck. Sorry, I meant to say 'when you're James Murdoch'. 


You can sort of slide, I guess, but it'll take you like, oh, a good few days to cover some decent ground. With that in mind, let's debate how feasible it would for a one-armed jock, a one-armed jock who has recently lost a good 3-4 pints of blood, mind, to crawl back to the lodge-of-certain-death following a serious shark attack? Shall we agree that the answer to this question is: 'not very feasible at all'. Hold your horses, though, because it turns out that this jock has a saltwater arm.

A saltwater arm: possibly the shittiest superhero power ever?

The teenagers are shocked to discover that this genetic saltwater miracle will not save the jock from bleeding to death as a result of his terrible wounds. At least the stump will be sterile though, right? We don't have to worry about infection setting in or anything, which is good, because rather than immediately take him to a hospital, the teenagers decide to stay at the lodge and just chill for a bit. It's the X-Factor Final, right! You're going NOWHERE my lad.

Hey dude! Bring me back some Cheetos!

The jock abandons his friends, and leaves Lodge Island behind with a view to hunting down his piscarian assailant. He takes a spear with him, because..uh..well he needs a weapon, and..that..was...the...best... weapon.... that...a...one...armed...man...could...find? The jock dies (obviously) because hunting a shark down with a spear and only one arm isn't necessarily a recipe for revenge success. After his death, the remaining teenagers split into two groups (good thinking guys - that particular tactic never ends badly in horror films), with one group hitching a lift from two sociopathic fishermen manning the world's flimsiest boat, and the other group staying behind to watch 'Pay It Forward' and talk about how sad it is that Haley Joel Osment turned out to be a crackhead.


Prepare yourself for this next shocking revelation: the whole 'let's split up into two groups' strategy doesn't  quite go to plan. Instead of reaching the mainland and contacting the relevant authorities for help, the kids on the boat both die horribly. I know I know: it's a Keyser-Soze-worthy twist. It turns out that two sociopathic fishermen are not the white knights in shining armour one might expect them to be, and instead of coming to everyone's rescue, they instead feed 50% of the remaining teenagers to the sharks.

This is what happens if you get into an unlicensed mini-cab, girls.

Back at the lodge, the archetypal innocent blonde lead is telling her love-interest that one of the fishermen tried to murder her once. You know it's funny, if a fisherman had ever tried to kill me, I probably wouldn't ask him to give my best friend a lift to the mainland, but you know I'm kind of uptight in that way.

Soon-to-be-dead brunette: 'But this guy's trustworthy, tight?'
Blonde cliche with curiously unquestioned penchant for sending her friends to a fate of certain death:
'Oh, sure, sure! He's like, the best!'

Bizarrely, the blonde girl's blatant disregard for her friend's welfare is completely ignored by the love interest. Do men actually listen at all? I don't think that they do. If they did, surely he would have said something more along the lines of: 'What the shit? You mad bitch! You just let her onto that maniac's fucking boat after he tried to KILL you? And you didn't think to fucking MENTION it? Stay the fuck away from me! You deserve to be in jail! Motherfucker!'

Seriously Dude; get some fucking standards.

On and on it goes. With the blonde girl and her anything-for-a-blow-job partner eventually coming to the conclusion that it might be about time for them to put a call through to the local Sheriff's office. Where I come from, we like to call for help BEFORE everybody gets eaten, but I guess I'm just a silly ol' square that way. And when the emergency services finally make their long-awaited arrival? Well they turn out to be....a murderous, sociopathic Sheriff, armed with a rohypnol-laced flask full of Spaghetti Bolognese. Yes, that's right. He brings Spaghetti. To the scene of a terrible tragedy. Nothing odd about that, nope nothing at all.

Did somebody here call for some help?

The Sheriff cunningly drugs Love Interest via the not-remotely-suspicious medium of a hot flask filled with emergency spaghetti bolognese, while Blonde Girl slowly comes to the realisation that her local Council need to start investing in CRB checks for staff members. It's a tense moment, or at least it would have been, if the fat bitch sat next to me in the cinema auditorium hadn't started rustling her popcorn like her fucking life depended on it. The Sheriff consults his Sociopath's Handbook For Dealing With Difficult Situations, and comes to the conclusion that the best remedy involves tying Love Interest to a chair, and then swiftly booting him into a barrel full of Mako Shark. That's what they refer to as 'best practise' in Louisiana.

Sheriff: 'I hate how us Southerners are stereotyped as these crazy hick-ass lunatics all the time'.
Man tied to a chair drowning in barrel of Mako shark: 'Yeah, you're so, like, victimised'.

Instead of eating Love Interest, the Mako Shark looks at him grumpily for a moment, before giving him ample opportunity to escape. Now, I've never been tied to a chair in a barrel filled with Mako shark, but I have heard that sharks are notoriously misunderstood and have developed an undeserved reputation for...oh hang on they've eaten the Sheriff. Love Interest breaks free from his restraints (in case you're wondering: they were saltwater restraints) and pushes the Sheriff into the barrell full of Mako. The Mako don't look at the Sheriff grumpily before disregarding him though, they immediately attack the Sheriff in a frenzy of convenient brutality. That's the thing with sharks; they much prefer to eat local produce. 

Eat local. 

Love Interest leaves...uh...well he leaves wherever the hell he is, I think it's some kind of garden shed...and goes to...uh...well he goes to rescue Blonde Girl from one of the sociopathic fishermen. You know it's odd. Usually when I visit a new town for the first time, I don't know where anything is, and I kind of have to explore it a bit. But love interest just kind of KNOWS. He knows where to find stuff in a town he has never visited before, and he knows where to find Blonde Girl even though she is out on the lake and could be anywhere. I guess because it's a saltwater lake. It's a well-know fact that saltwater can direct you to the location where a sociopathic fisherman is s-l-o-w-l-y trying to murder the crazy-ass bitch you have crush on.

What do you mean 'now's not the time to give me a blow job'?

The sociopathic fishermen have put Blonde Girl in a cage underwater to keep her safe. And she is safe, but 'safe' in the way that Gaddaffi was safe in that tunnel. Or Saddam was safe in that hole in the ground. She's drowning a bit and that, but hey, I'll bet that more people have died crossing the road than have died in a cage underwater without breathing apparatus surrounded by ravenous sharks.

All nice and safe.

Love Interest's a player, though, and nobody be tellin' him what to do! So he extricates Blonde Girl from her saline safe house and the two of them swim back up to the surface so that they can finish the film with the obligatory kiss-of-success. There'll be a twist, though, because it's this kind of going-through-the-familiar-motions nonsense that we've all paid good ticket money to see. So what's it going to be? Is blonde girl going to turn out to be a sociopath?

Blonde Girl - she's jus' a free spirit.
In the same way that Rose and Fred West were 'free spirits'.

Blonde Girl doesn't like to be pigeon-holed by sanity; why else would she ask her murderous ex-boyfriend the fisherman to ferry her college friends about? Or perhaps Love Interest will surprise us all and reveal himself to be some kind of half-man, half-shark hybrid? No, that's not it. So come on then, what is it? It's got to be something good, right? Something really good, because boy are they dragging out this whole 'wrapping up the film' thing, and...oh the credits have rolled. *Looks down at torn ticket stub with a mixture of hate and self-loathing*

Film Review: Lake Mungo

Bit out of focus there, dude.
Probably just need to adjust the lens a bit.

'Mungo' - now that's a scary-sounding name, isn't it? Like 'Edgar'. Or 'Maxine'. Or 'Heather'.

I'm dead, me.

So; Lake Mungo. It's YET ANOTHER film about a haunted lake. Jeez, how many haunted-lake films does that make? Oh, that's right, only one. Because a plot which relies on a haunted lake is a terrible idea; the sort of thing that a stoner would dream up twenty-seven years into his career, shortly after befalling some form of blunt-trauma head injury.

Putting the dire concept aside, what do we have? Well, we have an Australian family visiting a haunted lake (snigger) for a holiday (fuck you, Thomas Cook!), only to find that their daughter is to be viciously murdered by the ghostly, demonic presence haunting the lake. Does it count as 'murder' if one of the parties is already deceased? I'm not entirely sure that it does. How would you even put a ghost on the stand?

Yeah, the trial's not going too well to be honest.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed though, or at least, I would be, if they hadn't decomposed and fallen off.

It's really annoying, losing your daughter in a haunted lake, so the dead girl's family spend the next 90 minutes explaining just how annoying it is. It's the sort of thing that I can image my mother watching, just so that she can tell her friends how 'thought-provoking' it was afterwards.

Is this, A. 'thought-provoking', or B. 'blurry'.
It's a tough call.

Turns out - it's quite boring being dead. To liven things up a bit, Dead Girl decides to start making repeated appearances in family photographs. You know, it's funny; most women H-A-T-E it when you take their photo, but Dead Girl, she's all like 'Hey! Hey take my photo y'all! Cmon!'. Dead Girl loves the camera, which is good, because  I think we can all agree that she's pretty photogenic.

H-O-T.

Dead girl's family get a bit 'all up in yo' face' about their daughter making a posthumous guest-appearance in their photo album. They start asking questions, mainly questions such as: 'What the shit is going on?', and ' Why is our recently-deceased child appearing posthumously in family photographs?'. 

Say 'cheese', bitch!

Dead Girl: now officially overstaying her shitting welcome.

 Dead girl - seemingly a relentless self-promoter - steps-up her campaign for attention by going digital -she quickly tires of photography (bor-iing!) and graduates to video media....and...uh...and also to beating the living shit out of her elder brother. Basically, Dead Girl, she's all like: 'Hey! Notice me you ignorant cunts!! I am here y'know!'.

Dead Girl: she's such an applause-pony.

Dead Girl's family respond to this desperate cry for attention by...well, they sort of don't. Mostly, they ignore it, in fact. To be fair - that's the best thing to do with an attention-whore, y'know, just ignore her and she'll go away. Probably.

Seriously guys; just ignore her and she'll tire of it eventually.

Dead Girl doesn't go away; instead, she reveals (SPOILER ALERT!) that she had icky, under-the-legal-age-of-consent sex with her next door neighbour and his oddball wife. There's quite alot of photographic evidence about Dead Girl's extra-curricular bedroom activities, and, as you can imagine, Sex-Pest Neighbour and Oddball Wife don't really want anyone to find out what they've been up to.

Dead Girl's bedroom: not a safe hiding place for sex videos.
Makes you look a bit guilty, apparently

Here's a tip, boys and girls: if you don't want someone to find out who you've been fucking, don't film it. The sinister neighbours try in vain to get back the sex video that they made with Dead Girl, but they can't locate it. That's the thing with being a Paedophile, it's an administrative nightmare. The neighbours make a run for it and are never found, but at least now we all know...uh..well we know that Dead Girl had been having sex with her neighbour.

Don't judge me you cunts!

Dead Girl's brother steps forward and admits that he's actually been faking the seemingly-ghostly footage of his sister; apparently 'he thought it would make things better'. Now, I'm not being funny, but what in the shit was this fool thinking? How is pretending that your dead sister is haunting you going to clear things up?

All better now?

Dead Girl's family decide that it's time to take a breather, so they go to visit the place where Dead Girl went on her last school trip. The place they go to is called 'Runtime has now reached 96 minutes probably time to wrap this shit up y'all'. They find out that Dead Girl buried her mobile phone and her favourite bracelet on the school trip, and they keep asking 'Why?'. 'Why would she bury her favourite bracelet?!' and the audience has this to say in response: 'We don't give a pair of plastic tits why she buried her damn bracelet, just show us the fucking ghost so that we can all go home'.

Nice place; shame about all the mounds of discarded teenage paraphernalia.

Watch out now, because THE TWIST is on its way! Woop woop! Everybody loves a twist! Dead Girl's family come to discover that Dead Girl was in fact being haunted....being haunted by her future self. I'm just going to let that sink in a bit with you, kay, cos it's, uh, it's pretty special. And I want us all to take a moment just to...absorb.

This is what's referred to as a 'weak ending'.

Now one thing's for sho', we're ALL being haunted by our future selves. Every time that I look in the mirror and see left-over splashes of booze congealing on my face, and cold Fillet-o-fish matting my five-o-clock shadow, I see how things are going to pan out, and it ain't pretty. What I didn't realise was that I have been wasting my self-disgust and personal sense of self-loathing on myself, when I could have made it all into a feature film and shared it with you lucky fucks years ago.

So what have we learnt from Lake Mungo?

• Stop filming shit that you don't want people to see! (I'm talking to you, Scarlet Johannssen).
• Australian teenagers lose their virginity to their neighbours.
• Family camping trips always end in disaster.
• Don't invite a medium into your house, because he'll probably start trying to fuck your son.

Film Review: Insidious

Jessica Rabbit gave me Mixi; Fuck you Jessica!

Hollywood Producer #1: 'Let's call it 'Insidious', yeah, because that sounds kind of haunted and shit'.

Hollywood Producer #2: 'What the shit does 'Insidious' mean, Dude? That sounds awesome!'

Hollywood Producer #1: 'I'm pretty sure that it means good return on investment in French'.

Hollywood Producer #2: 'OK sweet; that sounds perfect! I'll give that guy from 'Hard Candy' a call; he's got this rep for only getting involved with good projects, so by association this film will also be a huge success, even if, on the face of it, the production appears to be a total critical failure'.

Happy with my shiny face.

Hollywood Producer #1: 'Great - so who should we get on board to play the wife?'

Hollywood Producer #2: 'How about approaching Rose Byrne? She's got that whole 'vague melancholy expression' thing going on, which is, like, so insidious'.

Rose Byrne: so insidious.

Hollywood Producer #1: 'That is SO true. She's, like, totally insidious'.

Patrick: 'Why do you always look so sad, Rose?'
Rose: 'It's kind of my thing, y'know, like how YOUR thing is that really shiny face?'
Patrick: 'Oh, cool. That's so insidious'.
Rose: 'I know! Right?'

And so to 'Insidious', a word which actually means: 'Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects'; a mixed metaphor then, for both the artistic integrity and the box-office performance of 'Insidious' as a whole. 

Advocates of the silver ring thing explain why virginity is, like, so insidious.

We have a husband-and-wife team (Patrick Wilson and Rose Bryne respectively), who live in what appears to be a haunted log cabin of near-ecumenical proportions. Rose spends alot of time sitting at her piano, listening intently to baby monitors, and singing in a mournful voice, while Patrick busies himself with falling asleep at his desk and buffing his face. 

I said YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OUT MORE Rose!

It's never made entirely clear why Rose is so resolutely fucking mournful all of the time; although there is mention made of her hard life AS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM. Yeah, it's pretty tough shopping at Target and sitting on a piano stool 24/7. Keep your chin up, Rosie! We're praying for you babe.

Eventually, Rose tires of listening to the baby monitor and starts a passionate affair with a nearby ghost.

Considering that she has three kids, Rose doesn't seem to get much in the way of housework done, although when Patrick comes home from his job as a UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR (good job, casting agents!) he often says things like: 'Well done Sweetie, you did a great job', and 'Don't worry sweetheart, things will get better soon'. Don't encourage her Paddy, she didn't do shit. She's been watching Judge Judy since 8AM.

Uh..good job?

Maybe the P-Man is just trying to boost Rose's confidence, because they seriously have a pretty sweet life going on from what I can see. To be 100% fair to Rosie, at one point she does have to (drum-roll please)......take the trash out. Well shit, I can see now why she be bitchin' and moanin' the whole damn time! 

As if taking the trash out once in a period of several weeks WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, Rosie also has to contend with the fact that some fuck keeps hiding her sheet music.  Now, I'm not exactly sure why Rosie needs her sheet music, because the only reason she and Patrick moved to the new house was so that she could write some new music. It's not like she needs to go over her old material or anything. FOCUS ROSIE! Stop looking to the past!

P: OMFG the trash is full again!
R: How is that POSSIBLE? I just took it out like three weeks ago! Motherfucker!

Rose's travails with her missing sheet music aside, it's difficult to see why this couple are so down all the time.  Of course, there is the fact that their son is in a coma. That's right; a coma. He wasn't in a coma at the start of the movie, but then again neither was I.

Busy astral-projecting.

So their little boy (Dalton), is in a coma. Except that it isn't a coma, and the medics just can't figure out what's wrong with him. I'm pretty sure that if Dalton's Consultant Paediatrician spent more than ten seconds around Rose, he'd totally get it. A 'comatose' Dalton returns to the log cabin so that Rose can bore him to death. Sorry, I meant so that Rose can 'nurse him'. And that's when all the weird, haunted shit starts kicking off; the first weird thing being that Darth Maul turns up and starts bumming around the dining room table; I took this to be a sign that Patrick had sought solice from his wife's incessant musical mediocrity in the closest sexually-available neighbourhood figure...from Star Wars. At least it wasn't Ja-Ja Binks though, right Rose?

Patrick and Darth Maul: their eyes met over a comatose 7-year-old.

We weren't planning it; it just sort-of happened. 

It's pretty tough when you find out that your husband has been sleeping with a fictional character from the Star Wars franchise, but Rose and Patrick decide to work through it. Trouble is, more and more ghosts start making an appearance, including one which appears to be Tiny Tim from 'A Christmas Carol'. You'd think that Dickens would at least have been given a brief mention in the credits, but N-O-T-H-I-N-G. 

God bless us, everyone.

That hat is a BRAVE look there, my friend.
It takes a real kick-ass white boy to carry that off.

Rose and Patrick decide to hire first a disinterested priest and then a comedy medium to bring Dalton back from the Neverworld. Sorry; the Neverwhere? The NothingWorld? The LazyEnding? The WasteOfFifteenBucks? 

Here to help.

The Medium tells Paddy and Rosie that Dalton is a gifted Astral Projectionist. Oh. Well that make total sense. We can just roll the credits right here then, because that explains E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. No more clarification needed here! The Medium also tells Paddy that he is also a gifted Astral Projectionist, which makes sense because Astral Projection is a dominant allele notoriously passed on through the male gene. Good.

Has anyone seem my hubby?
Dickhead bailed on my ass.
Reckon he been creepin' wit that ho' Loretta.

Inexplicably, Miss Havisham from 'Great Expectations' turns up. And they thought that Dalton was lost! Miss Havisham seems to have a bit of a thing for Patrick, and the two of them really hit it off. Just to be clear, by 'hit it off', I actually mean 'she repeatedly tries to murder him'. 

Patrick goes to the Neverland ranch to hang out a bit and save his son and shiz; but before he goes, the medium warns him 'not to draw attention to himself'. So Patrick, once he arrives at the Neverland ranch, immediately starts SHOUTING DALTON'S NAME AND GENERALLY DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIMSELF. Patrick wanders up to all the Neverland ghosts which look generally bad-ass and threatening, and asks them if they have seen his son. I'm not being funny, but basically Patrick does the complete shitting opposite of what the Medium tells him to do.

I'm a professional.

By a stroke of complete luck, Paddy runs into Dalton and they both try to escape Neverland together. It's looking pretty good, and they are both about to escape when Paddy decides that now is definitely a good time to kick back and jus' chill for a bit. He tells Dalton to go on without him, basically for no apparent reason at all. Good.

So, uh..she has to wear the gas mask 'to talk to the spirits', right?
Which educational establishment did she qualify as a medium from again?
Oh, that's right; none.

Dalton leaves his father to hang out with Miss Havisham, and runs into Darth Maul on the way. Now you'd think, wouldn't you, that Dalton running into the murderous, sociopathic, homicidal maniac demonic presence (which has its heart set on killing him and taking over his body) would be a BAD thing right? But, uh, but it isn't. And Dalton makes it back to the real world without incident. Don't hold your breath for an explanation, btw, because there isn't one. 

Sup.

Patrick's back, too, and he's as shiny as he ever was. He's also possessed by the demonic spirit of Miss Havisham, but he still looks pretty hot so plus ca change, right? Miss Havisham should probably take it easy for a few days, y'know, blend in a little bit so that nobody realises she has possessed Paddy's body and abandoned him to die in the Neverworld. So she does this by....immediately murdering the medium. I know where she's coming from, though, because the medium took her picture when she wasn't ready and that's enough to piss anyone off.

So what have we learnt from 'Insidious'?

• Hollywood hasn't got a dictionary, and even if it had one, it would consider it surplus to requirements.
• Patrick Wilson stays shiny, even after a trip to the third realm and an episode of demonic possession.
• Astral projectionists are playful explorers but it occasionally gets them into trouble.
• Psychic mediums are, without exception, elderly women.
• It isn't necessary to come up with new, original, exciting concepts for movie monsters when you can just regurgitate any ol' shiz from previous cinematic and literary triumphs. Regurgitation+shiny-faced-actor+spooky kid-PROFIT.