Thursday, 30 September 2010
Interview with Kelly Brook (which took place in my imagination, don't go all litigious on me now Kelly old boy!)
ME: 'Uh, Kelly?'
KELLY BROOK: 'Yeah?'
ME: 'Um, I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but..'
KELLY BROOK: 'What? What is it?'
ME: 'Well, I can sort of see your boobs'.
KELLY BROOK: 'What? What the fuck are you talking about? Why would you say something like that? What are you, some sort of pervert'
ME: 'No, I'm just saying, y'know, you can kind of see a bit of side boob there'.
KELLY BROOK: 'Are you kidding me?'
ME: 'No, seriously. You have side boob on display. And also a little nipple. A wink of nipple'.
KELLY BROOK: 'Oh my fucking God are you serious?!'
ME: 'Uh, yeah'.
KELLY BROOK: 'How much can you see? I'm so embarrassed! And on TV too!'
ME: 'Uh..'
KELLY BROOK: 'Do you think that anyone else saw?'
ME: 'Uh, maybe a few people'.
KELLY BROOK: 'Oh my God, my Mum is going to fucking kill me! Why the fuck didn't you say something sooner? Jesus!'
ME: 'Yeah. Sorry about that Kelly. I just figured you were already 'aware', y'know?'
KELLY: 'What the fuck? You think that I was AWARE that I was walking around some film set with my boobs out?! What do you think I am? Some kind of fucking slut?'
ME: 'Uh'.
KELLY BROOK: 'Fuck you'.
ME: 'I'm actually a massive fan. Could you please sign this naked picture of yourself for me?'
KELLY BROOK: 'Ok sure. Who should I make it out to?'
Film Review: The Crazies
Do you like the Government?
I didn't think so. Not many people do.
Perhaps we should express our dislike for govermental authority figures through the medium of film?
Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea! We can satirise the covert nature of statutory procedure by injecting a little magic realism into the proceedings, then we can employ a ficitious 'Big Brother' style political authority to pretend that our cheap-shocks horror film is, in fact, an intelligent social commentary. Just for the record though - it isn't. Not even if you squint.
Now that we have agreed upon a business model, I would like to officially welcome
you to Cliche Town!
Welcome to Cliche Town: The Number One Tourist Destination For Uninspired Film Directors. |
'Hello Viewers I am living the dream in this shitty town'. |
Bring me a cup of tea you cunt! |
Rhada Mitchell works hard to shatter that pesky glass ceiling with her performance as 'bland, background wife'. |
Lets play...SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!!
There are two IDENTICAL images immediately below:
PICTURE 'A'
PICTURE 'B'
Can you tell the difference between these to indistinguishable beige dullards? Send in your answers on a postcard to me at idontgiveafuckingshit@cocksmiths.com, and the first correct answer that I draw out of my own anus wins....too much time on their hands!!! Yay!!! |
'I may or may not be pregnant. Please try hard to give a shit you heartless Bastards'. |
'Its so hard to find a decent Nanny these days' |
This is me being at work. Do you like my uniform? My Mom made it for me. |
I'm a professional Sheriff! Take me seriously you Fucks! |
Spoilsport! |
Our shootin' tootin' friend feels bad that he shot the man to death in front of all those people.
'I feel sad today can I have a hug?' |
The contaminated water is infecting the residents of Cliche Town with what looks to me like a severe form of facial crabs. Damn you, facial crabs! The facial crabs, latin name Crabbicus Slutticus Spreadicus Facicus, is taking down the Cliche Town citizens one-by-one, and the are displaying such serious symptoms as 'wearing dungarees' and 'repeating things twice'. The Sheriff goes to investigate and sort this contaminated mess out.
A clear-cut case of crabs. |
I can't come to the phone Mom I'm in Crab Quarantine. |
This should be right as rain again in no time. |
Hey Lady! Are you sure its crabs cuz my dick just fell off. |
I got me a second opinion but the second opinion was that it was crabs too. Guess I better tell my wife. And my wife's sister. |
Do this five times a day and within two weeks your facial crabs will have completely cleared up. Ok, thanks Doctor. |
This one night stand is going well, wouldn't you say? We're so sexually compatible! Say, can I see you again? |
'Happy New Year Guys! Come on, sing with me! And Auld Lang Syne... |
Jesus goes for a nice walk with some friends. |
'I like to throw caution to the wind, especially when there is a baby at risk. I'm just that kind of guy I guess'. |
'You're it'. |
Truck. Car wash.
Good.
There's always time for a car wash, class! At the car wash there are lots of people waiting to spray uncontaminated blood all over the truck's leather interior.
'Shit Guys that was a new car! Not funny! My Dad is going to kill me! |
Bon Voyage!
What have we learnt from 'The Crazies'?
- Don't employ a former serial killer as a small-town Sheriff where a normal non-sociopath would suffice.
- Don't put your wife and kid in a wardrobe and then set fire to it, even if you are suffering from the condition known as 'Facial Crab Shame'.
- Don't think that Facial Crabs won't get to you in the end, because it will.
- Don't shoot local characters to death in front of a group of kids, even if that local character is carrying a sexually-transmitted disease.
- Don't be so foolish as to assume that feigning a potential pregnancy will manipulate viewers into feeling some form of empathy, because it won't you manipulative, film-directing Bastard.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Film Review: Piranha 3D
Do you find aggressive species of aquatic life sexually arousing? If you are one of the few who doesn't, fear not, because 'Piranha 3D' has lots of tit in it to distract you from the fishily pornographic imagery of mutated scales, flapping fins and fanged mouths.
Hello sexy! |
Hello, androgynous sexual wasteland. |
* Not true.
The story follows a bunch of twats, sorry, 'teenagers' as they get eaten by a bunch of prehistoric mutated fish and try to fuck each other. In the film, what actually happens is that they try to fuck each other FIRST, and THEN they get eaten by the fish. I think that in the sequel they should consider reverting this sequence of events. They could call it: 'Its Funny When Annoying Fictitious Teenagers Die in 3D'.
We'll be dead soon. |
I was in 'Jaws' once, you know... |
A denim jacket NEVER goes out of fashion! |
RICHARD DREYFUSS: 'Oh my God! Is that a shark's fin that I see on the horizon?!' FILM CREW: 'Its actually a piranha that you are supposed to be looking for, Richard'. RICHARD DREYFUSS: 'Whatever'. |
Mercury poisoning is no laughing matter. Never suck on a thermometer, kids! |
'Hello boys and girls! Would you like to be my friend?' |
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays 'Elizabeth Shue'. |
The piranha family explains the concept of a 'promise ring' to Megan Fox's classier little sister. |
'I'm doing a Pornography Internship!' |
'Maybe a boat trip wasn't such a good idea?' |
'No, you're absolutely right. I'm probably just overreacting! I'm sure that they'll be fine'. I'm such a worrier! |
'Go right ahead and enjoy your boat trip kids!' |
Do you like my beard? I grew it all by myself! |
'Oh look! There goes my career!' |
Elizabeth Shue takes a break from filming. |
'This looks inviting! Lets go in here!' |
'He's been down there for three weeks now. You reckon maybe something went wrong?' |
Hey Carlos! Your wife's a slut! |
'Hello little boy! Would you like a sweetie?' |
I am a highly decorated 'fish scientist'. What? Its a job! |
The mad inventor from 'Back to the Future' takes pity on Elizabeth Shue, because she is clearly mentally retarded. He pretends for her sake to be a scientist 'of fish'. A fish scientist. Elizabeth Shue shows him her fish in a bucket and they agree that there is NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH THIS FISH. Nope, all good here. Nothing out of place.
Well, this all seems to be in order. |
Yes, its definitely just a rather large Haddock. |
How convenient. |
Whilst all this is going on, Twat #1's younger brother and sister have found themselves stranded on a small island that has nothing on it and will soon be covered by the tide. The little sister cuts her foot on a bit of glass and the piranhas smell the blood from her bleeding foot, which she has decided to dangle in the water. Twat #1's sister begins swooshing her bloodied foot around in the water. Swoosh swoosh. Why? Because she really hates her feet and wants to be rid of them, thats why. Then the tide comes in very quickly and they are both brutally raped and then eaten by the piranha. No, sorry, thats '50 First Dates' that I am thinking of again. They are actually rescued by the porn boat.
The Sex Industry provides a wonderful environment in which to raise children. |
Kelly Brook on set before she goes into make-up. Morning, Kelly! |
Remember kids!: Porn boat = Safe Haven.
Moving on! Twat #1 is watching Kelly Brook and her co-star in the porn film whilst they are filming an underwater scene. Kelly Brook's co-star, a character whom for these purposes I shall refer to as 'Nubile extra #1,000,001', does not have any lines to speak in this film, but she doesn't need any lines, because she prefers to communicate her performance through the medium of 'breast implants'. Twat #1 watches these two talented actresses while they are being filmed molesting one-another under water, hoping that he can learn something from their performance which will enable him to pass his GCSE Maths exam.
Kelly Brook and Nubile Extra 1,000,001 are underwater sexual acrobats, and luckily we have the opportunity to watch their antics through a glass-bottomed-boat. The underwater scene goes on for a while. And for a while longer.
'Why doesn't anybody take me seriously as an Actress?' |
Its time now, I think that you will all agree, for people to start dying in droves. The Director appears to agree with us, because now that he has succeeded in arousing the section of his audience who are attracted to Kelly Brook, he is now ready to turn his attention to the portion of his audience who are aroused by shots of aggressive fish. You've got to keep the investors happy, haven't you?
Calm down Love, its only a scratch. Seriously, you're overreacting. I bet no one will even notice it. |
A. The Director has never been a teenager. Nor has he ever met one. We have to assume this, because the teenagers in 'Piranha 3D' behave unlike any other teenager that I have ever met.
Or:
B. All teenagers are exactly like the ones in 'Piranha 3D', and I have just never met one myself. Twenty-seven years of existence, and all of the teenagers that I have met, which I THOUGHT were teenagers, were in fact cleverly-disguised bears working for the FBI.
Elizabeth Shue arrives at the Sprink Break Party and shouts through a megaphone at the spring break idiots. Get out of the water, Spring Break Idiots! she tells them. The Spring Break Idiots either:
A. Are all completely deaf.
B. Do not give a shit what Elizabeth Shue says. Spring Break Baby! Yeah! Woop Woop!
C. Are all French and do not understand what Elizabeth Shue is saying.
I think we can all agree that the Spring Break Idiots are probably French. The piranhas arrive at the Spring Break Beach Party and decide that it is time to fuck things up. Go piranha! Go Go Go!
This 'rescue' lark's going well, isn't it? |
I think that if we tell the Spring Break Idiots to get out of the water, and they choose to ignore us, then their deaths are referred to as 'natural selection'. |
Looks like a suicide to me. |
'Looking a bit sunburnt there Dude'. |
'Excuse me Sir, would you like some help? Sir? Sir, have you been drinking? |
This is DEFINITELY GOING TO WORK. |
I'm feeling much better, thanks. That cold I had has completely cleared up. |
After quite a bit of this sort of thing:
Get me out of the fucking water! I'm beginning to prune! |
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. Seriously, Kelly, let your fucking hair down. |
Are we all dead then? Yeah, sorry about thaat guys. Try not to let it get you down. |
What have we learnt from Piranha 3D?
- The film set for a pornographic video production makes an excellent place to keep a watchful eye on a child. Particularly if that child is eight or twelve-years-old, and there is an abundant supply of Cocaine, Paedophiles and rabid prehistoric piranha on offer for their amusement.
- Do not hire mediocre actors in a situation where what you really need is a genuine academic. Its funny how a professional 'entertainer' who voluntarily choses to grow a goatee beard cannot provide you with a reasonable explanation as to why your neighbourhood is suddenly being terrorised by poorly-animated CGI fish.
- Wearing a bikini and having fun is ony a good idea if you would really like to die.
- If you are faced with a shoal of vicious piranha, do not attempt to commandeer a speedboat in order to escape the aforementioned piranha, if you are then going to decapitate your friends with it. Its just rude. Rude!
- Do not litter the sea bed. Because the sea bed will get its revenge.
- Wearing the same denim jacket since 1975 will not save you from a piranha attack, despite what you might think.
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