Film Review: Crocodile

Crocodiles are funny, aren't they? And by funny, I mean 'bastards'.

Fucking crocodile dickhead.

You never know where you are with them. One minute, they're giving you their nice cobbled skin to make a lovely handbag, the next, they're all like 'I'm probably going to kill you, to be honest'.

I'm going to sell you to Louis Vuitton you cunt.

So the message of 'Tobe Hooper's Crocodile' is something along the lines of: 'Yeah! Fuck crocodiles! Crocodiles are all cunts, aren't they? Fuck you, crocodile species as a whole!'

This might comes as a massive surprise, but crocodiles can be a bit dangerous.

In this brilliant* and ingeniously crafted** 'creature feature', Tobe Hooper builds up a career for himself as a laughing stock. Sorry, as a 'talented new director'. Often, when a studio lures some hot new directing talent onto its books, they decide to throw them a directorial bone in the form of a cheap, easily-manageable but otherwise black hole of a production, in an effort to see what they can do with it. And 'Crocodile' is certainly the sort of 'I-wouldn't-wipe-my-arse-with-this-shit' production that a hot young director desperate to make his mark upon the world would jump at the chance to direct.
*a lie.
** also a lie.

No expense spared on the special effects, I see.

All of this would make a great deal more sense if Tobe Hooper approached 'Crocodile' as his directorial debut. But he didn't. He came to it some 24 years after he put together the cinematic moonshine that was 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. I'm just saying! I'm just saying: 'What the fuck were you thinking, pissing your talent away like that, Tobe Hooper?'. But I'm guessing that Tobe hooper probably has this to say in response: 'Fuck you, you fucking fanboy cunt'.



Let's just agree that this is a quality production shall we?

So here we have a film. A film about a crocodile. A crocodile which gets a bit pissy. Its hardly a winning formula, is it? Not a winning formula, unless it is 1974 and you are Tobe Hooper, racing Steven Spielberg down a corridor towards a door marked with a sign which reads: 'Ready to produce something a bit different'. I guess Spielberg must have won that race, leaving Tobe to turn on his doleful heels and head towards another door, a door with a sign reading: 'Ready to produce something derivative'.

Stop judging me you cunts!

Producers like derivative. They like derivative very much indeed. Fuck it, if I were a producer, and not just a penniless cunt, I would opt to spend my millions in the 'safe-bet' haven of derivative film-making also. And 'Crocodile' is certainly a safe bet, because both Tobe and the producers knew that they would always be able to sell this crap to some tasteless fool. Some tasteless fool like me. And they were right. Just FYI, they were also right about being able to get me to buy 'Crocodile 2'; 'Piranha 1' and '2'; 'Octopus 1' and '2'; 'Spider 1' and '2'; Shark Attack '1' and '2'; 'Shark Swarm', 'Jaws 1', '2', and '3'; 'The Creature From The Black Lagoon', 'Attack of the Killer Bees', 'Alligator 1' and '2'; 'Frankenfish'; 'Saber Tooth Tiger'; 'Anaconda 1' and '2'; Loch Ness'; 'Primeval'; 'Black Water' and 'MegaShark versus Giant Octopus'. No, I don't have a boyfriend, why do you ask?

This is me, watching 'Crocodile 2'.
I'm a bit tired in this pic, because me and Jono had gone a bit OTT on the booze the night before.

Tobe Hooper's 'Crocodile' follows a group of cunts as they deservedly get eaten and try to fuck each other, but not in that order. If you are thinking that this plot sounds strangely familiar, that is probably because this is the same plot as for every other creature-feature film that you have ever seen in your life, ever. Well done, Tobe! Well done on the old 'producing something 100% bona fide derivative' thingie that you did. 

Welcome, idiots.

Look at how silly I am!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
So silly!
(Don't worry, I'll be dead soon).

 The group of cunts rent a boat in which to fuck each other and die horribly. Sorry, in which to 'enjoy being in the full bloom of youth and then be struck by a tragic, semi-supernatural, fate'. I would have liked it very much if Tobe Hooper had called this film 'Titanic: What Really Happened', but that's the trouble with retrospective I guess.

If I give you this crocodile egg would you suck me off?

The cunts anchor their boat so that they can drink and get high. Let's agree that this is DEFINITELY going to end well for them all. The boys leave the girls, so that they can...uh...so that they can fuck each other? I don't know. They leave the girls to sunbathe in a provocative way, whilst they go in to the lake of certain death and splash each other in a homoerotic fashion. Just to clarify: the male actors of 'Crocodile' were all definitely fucking each other. After a bit of splashy splashy 'oh you got me!' 'hahaha! I'm going to get you back!', they find a bunch of crocodile eggs. And they don't touch the crocodile eggs, or pick them up, or interfere with the nest in any way***.
***Actually, one of them picks up an egg and puts it in a rucksack. No, I don't know why he did that either.

A vicious crocodile hellbent on destruction makes an excellent surprise gift for friends.

In their post-coital fug, the boys decide that it would be a great idea to smash all of the crocodile eggs (nature lovers I see!) and then hide the last remaining unharmed egg in a rucksack belonging to the most annoying, whiny little bitch that I have ever come across on screen. Why do they do this? you might well ask. And Tobe Hooper has this to say in response: 'Fuck you guys! I made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre! What the fuck did you make? Huh? You made shit! That's what!'.

Hooper peaked with Leatherface. Don't worry Tobe, so did most of the entire horror genre!

Crocodilian Mama gets a bit pissy that a bunch of cunts have killed all her kids and that. She decides to teach them a lesson....by killing them all. Well, that's one way to teach a bunch of naughty kids a lesson in morality I guess. Another way would be by reducing their allowance, but, y'know, every parent is different.

And you're grounded, too!



Your son is going to be just fine, Madam.

The whole egg-stealing debacle doesn't really end well, to be honest. Quite alot of people die. Only they weren't actually 'people'. They were just 'teenagers'. And one of them had rainbow hair. So that's alright then, because as we all know, we only need apply the concept of empathy to the adult and pre-pubescent populations.

What have we learnt from Tobe Hooper's 'Crocodile'?

• Don't buy a DVD for under £2.50 and have high expectations.
• Stop buying fucking creature feature DVDs generally, actually.
• You can safely remove 'Tobe Hooper' from your 'People That I Would Like To Invite To My All-Time Best, Most Brilliantly Bitchin' wedding Buffet List Of Invitees'.
• It's definitely ok to enjoy watching teenagers die.
• Don't fucking steal a pissy crocodile's nest of eggs if you are about to go on a fucking boat trip.
• If somebody shouts at you to get out of the water, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER!

Film Review: Shark Attack 3 'Megalodon'

Do you believe in 'facts'?

Everybody likes to enjoy a nice 'fact' every once in a little while, and sometimes an excellent way to stock up on 'facts', is to watch a cinematic masterpiece such as 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'. Or as I like to call it, 'Jaws on Crack'.

FISHERMEN: Would you like some more of that nice Crack, Megalodon?
MEGALODON: Yes please Fishermen I would love a bit more of that lovely Crack.

The historical 'facts', according to 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'.

'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon', a documentary, tells the true story of a lonely, HIV-positive shark and the prejudice which he encounters as a result of his disease.

Hello, my name is 'Megalodon', and I am HIV-positive.

Megalodon has a hard time trying to make friends, because this is the 80s, and his HIV-positive status still attracts stigma. Poor Megalodon. He tries to make some friends, but it doesn't really work out, what with him going about 'Mission Friendship' by brutally murdering potential playmates and everything.

Ho hum.

MEGALODON: Would you like to be my friend?
VELOCIRAPTOR: Fuck off, Megalodon!

Megalodon's campaign of friendship goes a bit too far when he decides to eat....a surfer. Because, as we all know, surfers are the very LAST type of delicious, ocean-dwelling treat that a shark would choose to snack on.


Well this is unusual.

I mean, when was the last time that you heard of a shark attacking a surfer? That's right. Never.

The YMCA decide to stage an intervention, because, y'know, it's wrong to eat people and stuff. I hope that you're listening, Armin Meiwes!

SCIENTIST 1: Shall we do some of that 'science' stuff?
SCIENTIST 2: What, instead of watching 'The X Factor' on this dashboard monitor you mean?
SCIENTIST 1: Yeah.
SCIENTIST 2: Well okay but I put on my X-Factor Final celebratory wetsuit especially for this evening, so I'll have to go change into my diving chinos and cashmere gimp mask.
SCIENTIST 1: Yeah, to be honest mate I was gonna say something earlier cos that wetsuit isn't really the appropriate regalia for a Marine Biologist.
SCIENTIST 2: Is that what I'm supposed to be? A Marine Biologist?
SCIENTIST 1: Fuck, I dunno. On the script it just read 'Science Fella'.
SCIENTIST: On mine it just said 'Dead Soon'.
  

The YMCA get involved, so that they can put a stop to sharkbait season.

On our way to an orgy. I mean 'to save some folks from certain death'. Yeah.

MARK: Do you notice anything unusual about that shark Helen?
HELEN: Not really, Mark. What exactly do you mean by 'unusual'?

 The YMCA's 'Save our Surfers' Campaign doesn't really work out like how they had anticipated, and instead of saving a whole load of surfers, what actually happens is that a whole load of surfers are murdered by the giant shark.The best laid plans go to waste, eh YMCA? Perhaps if you stopped trying to fuck each other long enough to save somebody?

JOHN BARROWMAN: What's the point of this scene again?
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: I dunno. To show that we had the budget to rent a submarine I guess?
JOHN BARROWMAN: What the fuck are you supposed to be holding in your hand?
GREY-HAIRED-ACTOR: Oh it's some of that 'science equipment' stuff. The prop department gave it to me.
JOHN BARROWMAN: I think that they were fucking with you grey-haired actor. That looks alot like an old Coke bottle with grey and yellow paint on it to me.
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: I think that its supposed to be an oxygen tank.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Why the fuck would you need an oxygen tank in a Submarine? In fact, surely the whole point of a Submarine is that you can dive without the aid of a gas-cylinder attachment?
GREY-HAIRED ACTOR: Well, I asked the 'Fact Consultant' for this production, and he told while he was laughing like a hyena, clutching his sides and rolling around on the floor that I would need this old Coke bottle in order to make this scene historically accurate.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Oh, OK, fair enough. Guess we had better get on with those 'historically accurate' lines that he gave us too, huh? Ok, all together now!
ALL CHORUS: We all live in a yellow Submarine, A yellow Submarine, A yellow Submarine...

John Barrowman, who you may remember from such films as...'This One'....and...uh...'That Dr Who Spinoff Which Nobody Ever Watched'...and..uh...'Being Annoying', plays a man who wears a bright blue t-shirt and smiles alot in spite of the bloody violence that is taking place around him.



ME: Why are you smiling, John? Everyone around you is dying!
JOHN BARROWMAN: I'm a Sociopath.
ME:Oh.
JOHN BAROWMAN: Yuh, I've actually been killing and eating all of those surfers myself.
ME: What the fuck? What are you talking about?
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yeah, that was me. The shark actually had nothing to do with it, he just wanted to make friends with them, you know?
ME: Holy shit. I had no idea!
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yeah, I did pretty good, huh? I fooled you guys!
ME: Yeah! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! You crazy!
JOHN BARROWMAN: Hell yeah! I've killed, like, I dunno, twenty or maybe even thirty young male surfers and blamed it all on that stupid prehistoric shark.
ME: Wow. Kudos.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yuh. Hey do you like my shirt?
ME: I was just about to say, actually, that I really love your shirt.
JOHN BARROWMAN: It's got some surfer blood on it.
ME: Don't worry John Barrowman that'll wash right out.
JOHN BARROWMAN: Yuh that's just what my Mom said.

It really isn't Megalodon's day. Not only has he failed to make a single friend, but the YMCA is now hell-bent on destroying him, and he is getting lumped with the blame for the psychosexual surfing murders taking place in the locality. It sure sucks to be Megalodon today.

 Looking for quality computer generated images?

 If you like to see a bit of the old CGI craftsmanship then 'Not Jaws' is the film for you.

John Barrowman is busy trying to cover up his murderous, sociopathological trail, when suddenly the Director decides that it is time for a bit of the old 'token love interest section of the movie'. Personally, if I had just seen a giant, prehistoric, HIV-positive shark brutally murder a series of young male surfers, I wouldn't much feel in the mood for romance, but I guess that's just because I have yet to experience the simple pleasure of sociopathy.

This here is what we in the business refer to as 'sexual tension'.

A bit more 'sexual tension'....although it looks to me like she is calling him a fucking prick.

Ah, the simple pleasures of killing surfers and blaming it on an HIV-positive prehistoric shark. After a bit of that glorious red-hot sexual tension between two actors who have no apparent sexual interest in each other whatsoever, we revert to type and Megalodon reappears.

Unlikely.

Megalodon, undeterred by recent events, decides that today would be a perfect day to strike up a friendship with John Barrowman.

SCIENTIST #1: What is that up ahead?

SCIENTIST #2: I think that it's probably just a 7-eleven.

SCIENTIST #1: Oh great! A 7-eleven! Lets stop and get nachos!

Stop tailgating me, Megalodon! I don't want to be your fucking friend, ok?

Unfortunately for Megalodon, John Barrowman isn't really looking for a friend, but more for a juicy young surfer to kill. Megalodon begins to feel increasingly low, and starts to comfort-eat.

Megalodon goes on 'The Speedboat Diet' to try to lose those extra pounds.

John Barrowman is mostly preoccupied with killing young surfers and doesn't really pay much attention to the downside of being a serial murderer. He's just having such a great a time chopping up those surfers and blaming it on Megalodon.

Good times!

Oh look! I found my dignity!

Megalodon gets a bit fed up after a while, what with everyone thinking he is a surfer-murdering-lunatic and everything. He decides that it is time to have a word with Barrowman.

Hi guys! Say, do you know where I can find a 'John Barrowman?'

Hi John, you and I need to have a little word..

So Megalodon and John Barrowman have a bit of a heart-to-heart. The 'heart-to-heart' mainly consists of Megalodon saying stuff like: 'What the fuck, John Barrowman?' and 'Why you been talking shit about me, man? What is UP with THAT dude?', and Barrowman saying stuff like: 'Just chill, Megalodon!', and 'Look, I didn't mean to offend you, ok?'.

Megalodon and John Barrowman then hug it out. Barrowman gets a bit of an erection during the hugging session (which is embarrassing for everyone concerned) but since Megalodon is a bit short on the old 'having friends' side of things, he decides to let it slide. They all live happily ever after, except, of course, for the surfing victims of John Barrowman's hypomaniacal, sadistic, murderous rage.

John Barrowman plays battleships with Megalodon. Look at how happy they are!

What have we learnt from 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon'?

• Don't wear your favourite blue t-shirt if you are contemplating an evening of unrestrained homicidal mania.
• Don't try to have sex with a homosexual man if you are a woman, because the homosexual man will employ the use of frankly hillarious chat-up lines to get you in the sack.
• Don't try to blame your own murderous ambitions on a lonely prehistoric shark.
• Jaws was a fucking great film, and not even God himself could reproduce a viable competitor.

Film Review: The Last Exorcism

Exorcisms, eh? What an absolute fucking pain in the arse.

You try to help people and they go and stab a crucifix in their vagina ('The Exorcist'), or they do that damn crab-walk (um, that's 'The Exorcist' again), or they go and spit pea soup all over your lovely Magnolia walls ('The Exorcist' again: notice the recurring theme?). Or they do Yoga. Yeah, 'Yoga'.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, fucking hell, Yoga scares the dump right out of my arsehole. And that is clearly what the makers of 'The Last Exorcist' were thinking, when they sold this Yoga-related horror film to its crackhead producers.

Yoga: Good for the body and soul

In the plot-thingy, a little girl gets possessed, and a specialist exorcist works hard to try to save her. Sound familiar at all? Yes, well, that's because this is actually the plot from 'The Exorcist', but the writers have changed it by....uh...well..they've...no...look its just different, alright? So in 'Not The Exorcist', we have a little girl, called 'Little Possessed Girl', and her family of inbred evangelistic worriers, called 'Inbred Evangelist Worriers' who respectively spend their time doing Yoga, and trying to stop each other from constantly doing Yoga all of the fucking time.

Stop doing Yoga, Little Possessed Girl! You aren't Jane Fucking Fonda!

As it turns out, the Yoga-obsessed Little Possessed Girl has a few 'personal problems'. Unlike most teenagers, whose personal problems consist of 'being ugly' and 'spending their free time wanking', Little Possessed Girl's personal problem is that she is harbouring an errant demon inside of her. An errant demon who is not 'Gary Glitter', that is.

Gary Glitter: the type of errant demon that I would usually expect to find trying to hide within a little possessed girl.

The demon which has taken up lodgings within the avatar of Little Possessed Girl's body is not all that keen on moving out of his current residence, and is causing her a bit of trouble and that. The biggest trouble that it is causing her, from what I can see, is 'a constant desire to do Yoga'.

DRIVER: 'Hey, can you tell me if any kids need exorcising around these parts?'
PEDESTRIAN: 'It's funny that you should say that, because my Sister, 'Little Possessed Girl', needs exorcising'.
DRIVER: 'How convenient'.
PEDESTRIAN: 'Sure is'.
DRIVER: 'It's almost like this was a setup, or something y'know?'
PEDESTRIAN: 'I think that it's more likely that the Good Lord Jesus sent you to help us'.
DRIVER: 'Whatever'.

A preacher man, called 'Preacher Man' turns up at Little Possessed Girl's house, to remove Gary Glitter from her vaginal passage. Sorry that should have been 'to dispossess her of the aforementioned demonic presence'. The Preacher Man is something of an unknown entity, and it is frankly difficult to say whether he is ACTUALLY a preacher man, or is, in fact a SPY from a competing YOGA COLLEGE. I think that we can all agree that he is actually a spy from the local Yoga college.



Say, you look friendly! Would you like to join our Yoga Club, Friendly-looking Man?

The Yoga spy, or 'Preacher Man' as he would have us believe, introduces himself as 'The Reverend Cotton Marcus'. Now, I'm not being funny, but 'Cotton'? 'Cotton'? Is that a real name? Because I, personally, have never come across an individual whose name was 'Cotton' before. I have come across numerous cunts who insist on introducing themselves to me using their nicknames. You know the sort of thing; 'Hello, my name is Sausage'. 'Hello, my name is Misty'. Hello, my name is 'Edward', but everybody calls me 'Twinkle-
chest'. 'Hello, my name is Rose 'Take It Easy!' West'.

In an unexpected plot twist, Preacher Man and Little Possessed Girl end up having a passionate affair. You can say whatever you like about Daniel Stamm, but he sure likes to keep his Audience guessing.

Anyway. 'Cotton Marcus' (real name 'Dave') arrives at Little Possessed Girl's spooky house. Travelling with Cotton Marcus are his soon-to-be-dead camera crew, who have arrived on the scene so that they can die horribly. Sorry, I meant so that they can 'sort things out'. Cotton Marcus feels bad about being an official spy for the local Yoga college, and he also feels bad about his career history to date, spying on various Yoga-enthusiasts and reporting back to the National Yoga Association about their breakthrough Yoga techniques. It's quite the weight to carry on his shoulders, and Cotton Marcus decides to give up being a Yoga spy for good, just as soon as he has just finished this ONE LAST JOB.

The 'One Last Job' scenario: bound to end well

Whatever you say, Cotton Marcus. Although I have to warn you that in the entire history of film, the 'One Last Job' scenario has never really ended well for the contractor. I guess it's a third-party liability issue, right? Right.

I've lost an earring can you help me look for it?



L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it.

Reverand Marcus sets up his usual array of video-camera recording equipment, so that he can record footage of Little Possessed Girl practising her cutting-edge Yoga techniques, but things do not go to plan. Cotton tries repeatedly to dispossess Little Possessed Girl of her powerful capacity to stretch and balance in different Yogi positions, but it doesn't work. He also tries to rid her of that silly ol' demon, but that doesn't work either. Poor Cotton. Poor Cotton, because he has a ridiculous fucking name.

After a bit more trying, it starts occurring to Cotton that maybe he is a bit out of his Yoga league. As a last-ditch attempt, he tries making Little Possessed Girl listen too Dido, to rid her of her Yogi powers.

God no! Not Dido! Please make it stop!

 I don't like this bed.

Would you like to be a Midwife? Then call the National Midwife Association on 0666 666 666 and join us now.
JOIN US! JOINNN USSSS!!!

Little Possessed Girl's Brother, 'Richie Cunningham from Happy Days', is getting a bit fed up with everyone admiring her Yoga skills, and decides to put a spanner in the works. By killing everyone. Bad Richie from Happy Days! Bad! Still, it's one way to end things, I guess.

Little Possessed Girl's Murderous, Occultist Brother 'Caleb'.

Richie Cunningham from 'Happy Days'.
Hello Reporters. I am Richie Cunnilingus from 'Happy Days', and
 I am contractually obligated to wear this stupid fucking hat.

Preacher Man and co. attend the National Yoga Championships (sponsored by Satan) to raise their Yoga profile, but Richie from Happy Days decides that a more efficient way to win friends and influence people would be by killing the camera crew. Richie sure knows how to get himself some media attention! Preacher Man notices that Little Possessed Girl, who is competing at the Yoga Championships and has made it right through to the quarter-finals despite having some Feng Shui trapped in her womb, is about to slip on a piece of Tofu which Richie has left lying on a Yoga mat in the arena, in an attempt to sabotage Little Possessed Girl's Yoga routine.

Good Times!

Preacher Man dives into the arena to remove the piece of Tofu, but as he arrives at the scene of IMMINENT TOFU DANGER he makes the tragic mistake of eating said Tofu. Now, as we all know, Tofu is not, in fact, a food product, but actually a biological weapon commonly used as a form of terrible punishment reserved only for the worst types of criminalised behaviour; paedophilia, rape, murder, and stealing your colleague's yoghurt.

AAAAGH!!!

Preacher Man spontaneously combusts into flames. You have lost an hour and a half of your life. The End.

Watch out Satan. Yoga is coming.

What have we learnt from 'The Last Exorcist'?

• Don't have sex with your sister if you are Richie from 'Happy Days'
• Don't attempt to steal cutting-edge Yoga techniques from a little possessed girl.
• Don't go to an exorcism if you are a camera crew.
• Don't pay to watch a film that you have already seen, thirty years ago when it first came out in the Cinema.